I’ll PEE On You!

Y’all would be proud of me. Well, at least my closest friends and family would.

I actually left my house today. Here’s an even bigger shocker. It was for holiday shopping. OH MY GOD! Check Cara for a fever. My best friend would certainly be checking me. I’m such an evil grinch, that I threaten my husband whenever he turns Christmas music on before Thanksgiving Day. And now, between him, my daughter, and a few of my Facebook friends, it has become a regular joke to piss me off as soon as school starts.

Considering my moderate germophobia, I tend to avoid shopping at all costs. Last year, most of my shopping was online. Taking the alarming spike in crime where I live into account, I won’t risk having packages stolen from my front door. So, between getting myself a P.O. box and shopping, I think I just might do okay – unless we have ice storms.

Three years ago, I did a nice little stunt in a parking lot when I was getting out of my vehicle – twice. Had any rando seen me, they might’ve thought I was attempting ice dancing, or some weird shit to get attention. After being yelled at numerous times by my husband, I haven’t left my house much since then. Even in good weather, because apparently, I’ve forgotten how to even walk without tripping on my own two feet.

But back to shopping earlier today. I woke up, debated for an hour or so whilst attempting to go back to sleep, and finally gave up. I threw my hair into a pony tail, covered my half-assed job with a baseball cap, got dressed, and took off for the Salvation Army. Now, before you judge, I love going there for CDs and occasional treasures which people accidentally get rid of, not knowing the worth of what they just gave away for free. I also like to find comfortable t-shirts for wearing around the house.

Since Wednesdays are 50% off all clothing, I had to take a look through some t-shirts before I continued my day in other stores. Until …

There were literally at least three people in every aisle of the damn store! I don’t usually complain about people being too close – if it’s someone I know, or I’m at least familiar with them. But in a place like Salvation Army (someone I know calls it SLIME-ATION Army), you never know who is touching things, or what plague they might have. Excuse me, but no thanks. Get away from me. I’ll pee on you if you come too close.

Yep, I’m that person. No offense, folks. I just have a problem with germs and claustrophobia. Our Salvation Army is large, but it is crammed with long rows of clothing, with very little space for people to walk through. It’s uncomfortable AF, and I probably will not return on family day. I might throat punch someone if they get too close.

Meanwhile, today wasn’t a complete waste. I managed to accomplish what I set out to do.

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