Dream Journal #10

I forgot about yesterday.  And, to be quite honest, I slept like crap the night before last, and I don’t think I had any dreams.

But, last night was quite interesting.  My dreams were centered around two individuals from our recent past, who I haven’t dreamed about in a while.  Ever since a major life decision was made, for months I had frequent dreams about them.

In recent weeks, those dreams have been less frequent.  But they still happen once in awhile.  It bothers me a lot.  When I discussed it with a professional, two things were suggested.  I dream about them because I’m paranoid.  Why am I paranoid?  Come to find out, I was repeatedly blamed for everything currently wrong in their lives. … And then, I miss them.  WHAT? 

The subconscious is a screwy thing.  But, how could I not support a loved one through such a decision?

For nearly 2 years now, I’ve been coping with a small void.  On days when I sit and worry whether I’ll eventually be blamed me for the decision, that is when my subconscious and guilt kick into overdrive.  And then the dreams happen, and I wake up with a tear stained pillow.  But why do I feel guilty for someone else’s decision?  I’m still trying to figure that out.

My head is a mess, and I need some kind of closure.  But, I’m forbidden from making contact.  I’ve been told it’s for my own good, sanity, and safety.  I may still question whether the whole thing was a wise choice, but I certainly don’t wish to see misery reemerge.

The only thing that might help me at this point is knowing that there are others out there in the same situation.


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