Three Vaginas

This is supposed to be Dream Journal Number … Dammit. I’ve lost track of which one. But I have an excuse. I have the plague. And until a few days ago, I haven’t really remembered much of my dreams. And I’m thinking of doing something with these dreams. So, I might not be blogging them every day.

But be prepared for some crazy shit.

Last night wasn’t exactly a good night. I was up and down all night until my husband went to work. That’s when I finally dragged ass from the living room to the bedroom, where my fluff (a big down comforter) was waiting to suck me into the depths of fever dreams.

What I dreamed about early this morning could possibly make Stephen King cringe. Talk about weird. And why are fever dreams almost always sexual? Or is that just my perverted subconscious?

So I started out walking in a forest. Or was it … wait. It was a forest, except it was in Fillory, and there weren’t many trees. And if you don’t know what Fillory is, I highly suggest watching The Magicians. The first 2 seasons are on Netflix, and season 3 is currently on episode 3 on the SyFy channel.

Anyways, I’m walking through the forest in Fillory, looking for food. A munchkin out of Wizard of Oz is also searching. But he has chains. He tells me I need the chains, or I won’t catch anything to eat. Since Fillory is a magical place, I automatically assumed the chains were magical. So I graciously accepted them, thanked the munchkin, and continued with my quest.

When I finally found some food, others appeared, also holding chains, except each chain had 3 vaginas on the end of them. The vaginas had teeth, and they were screaming FEED ME! Yes. They resembled that fricken plant thing in Little Shop of Horrors.

I remember being very afraid to look at the end of my chains. But it didn’t matter. I could hear them screaming. I didn’t understand why there were vaginas on the ends of the chains, until a group leader led us to the a castle, where Eliot (an actual character in The Magicians) resided as the king of Fillory.

As we were all lined up in front of King Eliot, he asked each of us to hand him the chains. On each arm of his throne were huge iron hoops, to which he attached the chains. The only word he said after that was kneel. And we did, except for the group leader, who had taken all of our food, and handed it to the king.

Eliot stood from his thrown, carefully inspecting the food, deciding which vagina would get the best food. Wait … WHAT?! Those things are actually going to eat??? Eliot couldn’t look more pleased with himself. PERV! Or am I the perv for having this f*cked up dream?

As if he could read my thoughts, he turned to me. “It looks like you’re the recipient of today’s reward”. The others hissed at me with jealousy. What did he mean by reward? Was he going to let me have my vaginas back? But then he tossed the food to the vaginas on my chains, and they devoured everything like starving lions.

I quickly understood what Eliot meant by reward, because as my vaginas with teeth were devouring lunch, my vagina started screaming … in a good way. And that’s all I’m saying without getting too crazy. Oh. Too late.

I never knew you could have an orgasm in your sleep when you have the flu.

Maybe I’ll take a sleeping pill and extra Tylenol tonight. I’m slightly afraid to ever sleep again.

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