She’s Here

WARNING!  Female stuff ahead.  No further explanation is needed.

Just so you know, those days are over for me.  It only took almost dying from low blood count, which resulted in two units of blood and a 24 hour stay in the hospital for observation.

That in itself sucked because the doctors were having a hard time finding the right match because of whatever crap is in blood that needs to be close to mine.  Apparently I have some weird antibodies.  My daughter says I’m a unicorn because of my ridiculous health ‘things‘.

But I digress.  This isn’t about me.  It’s about the monthly suffering that God cursed women with when Eve committed the first sin.  Can you imagine if she hadn’t picked that apple from the tree of knowledge???

Women wouldn’t feel the need to rip out their uterus every month, or wish for death during childbirth, because God gave us pain as our punishment.

But pain isn’t the only pain in the ass during that time.  I won’t talk about literal pain in the ass for some women, because shit just isn’t ever simple when it comes to our periods.  Noooooooo … We gotta go all red sea whenever we sneeze, cough, or laugh.

I apologize for nothing.

Heaven forbid there is the slightest hint of incontinence.

If any of those things happen all at once, you might as well call it quits, because you’re out of granny panties in less than a day, and you can’t wash because you’re too emotional to even remember how to properly use the settings on your washing machine.

So, you send your mom, sister or bff to the store for ‘supplies’, because everyone else suddenly vanishes, or they have to go to work, or school, or they can’t find their keys.

The only good thing about the entire situation is the legitimate excuse for eating gallons of ice cream and bags of chocolate while laying on the couch (because there is no sitting when Aunt Flo is being that obnoxious – otherwise furniture will be ruined, in addition to clothing) and bingeing on Netflix.

You are welcome.

 

 

Did I Just DO That?

Has your body ever betrayed you, or sometimes your mouth, without your permission?

Since forever, I’ve come out with some weird shit that people still never let me forget.  It’s not an age thing with me, and I don’t know if my brain is working faster than my mouth, but some things just come out sounding wrong.

“I need to keed the fitty (feed the kitty)” – a million years ago before cat allergies.
Can I have some cheeps?” – chips

Even worse is when you bend over or sneeze/cough, and rude things happen.

oops

It’s one thing when you pronounce a few words incorrectly.  But when you come out with something like “Almost only counts in horse grenades and hand greshoes” ….  Just to clarify, it wasn’t me who said that.  Someone else in the house did, though.  And I about died from laughter, because I’m usually the one who suffers from verbal diarrhea.

I really need to start properly documenting the weird crap that just spews from my mouth.  Maybe it’s age, hormones, kids, or all of the above, but I’m forgetting how to English.  I could probably publish a book with my lifelong unintentionally hilarious crap.

Perhaps I was an ancient goddess in a previous life, and I only spoke in tongues.

Seriously embarrassing is when you poot in a store, standing next to someone that you thought was your spouse, and they turn to you with an incredulous glare.

I should’ve left this gif huge. 

And finally, I hate when I’m in a quiet public place, and some demonic grumbling noise comes from somewhere between my stomach and throat.  It’s not quite a burp, and it’s definitely not a hunger sound.

I can’t express how embarrassing it was when the hot guy next to me in the library moved away as quickly as possible.

PS: I apologize for my recent lack of creativity. Sleep disturbances and constant hunger do that to a person sometimes.

…the eternal struggle…

 

 

What Have I Done?!

… in a past life to piss off the sleep Gods?

If only Kevin hadn’t woke me at whatever hour it was, telling me to go to bed.  I was doing great, with the latest from ASMR Zeitgeist.

Next on my list is learn how to shrink YouTube videos.  They’re huge, and while huge doesn’t normally bother me, it’s beginning to piss me off.

Once I stumbled my way to bed, I got comfy and went to sleep.  I don’t remember much of my dreams, except that I was back in school, and I was like oh no, not again.  It was a fairly boring day when I got to school, until the announcement went out that it was locker clean-out day.

And of course, I couldn’t remember my combination, so I stood there like an idiot spinning the wheel on the lock, hoping it would land on the right numbers.  Oddly, I got lucky, and a bunch of lights started flashing and bells went off.  It was like a damn slot machine letting me know I won.  Except there was no jackpot when I opened the locker.

There weren’t even books, because someone was so kind to probably either steal them, or return them to the principal’s office for me.  Instead, there was a ton of garbage strewn all through the locker.  It was as if whoever made my books disappear got busy and stuffed a bunch of crap through the vents, because everything was shredded.  Now that I think about it, it was probably all of my books!

And then I became frantic, because the book police were suddenly coming down the hall with trash bins on huge wheels.  But the police didn’t look like police.  They were dressed like HAZMAT, and I freaked, thinking there was something hazardous in my locker.  So, I bolted.

Then I woke up not knowing why I was in full anxiety mode at 4:30 in the freaking morning, shaking and sweaty with a pounding heart.  That hasn’t happened in forever.  Thanks, sleep Gods.

And of course thirst kicked in, so I had to get up for 20 ounces of ice cold water, all of which I consumed in one go.  I need to either cut back on salt, Mr. Daniels, or both.  There’s nothing else to explain my constant mild dehydration.

Anyway, I rubbed my eye as I was busy gulping H2O, and an eyelash snuck in.  Everyone who knows me can probably visualize my secondary anxiety attack as I sprinted to find my little mirror, which I keep in the living room next to my chair.  Well, the anxiety momentarily paused when I turned on the hall light so I could pick the offending lash out of my eye.

Except something gross on the floor caught my eye, and I was praying to other Gods that I didn’t step in whatever it was.  It was round, and resembled (in my exhausted state, everything looks wrong to me) alien ectoplasm.  After I checked my feet, I stooped to look more closely and discovered potato chip crumbs nearby.

Who the hell was sleep eating?  The reason I say this is because when I wiped up the ectoplasm, it turned out to be pepperoni grease.  But where is the pepperoni, since there’s a gross grease spot on my floor?!?!  Do we still have mice?  Kevin managed to trap 2 the other day – which I’m still skeeving over.

…because mice are never just mice…

After a minute or two of scratching my head and looking around like I was clueless, I ventured back to bed.  Then GERD decided to wake up, and I said screw this, grabbed my phone, punched my pillow, turned on my left side (because that’s what you do to prevent the bile from coming up), and browsed …. what sites, I absolutely cannot remember …. until I zonked out with white noise stuffed in my ears.

My new fan should be here some time soon.

Hey, Alexa – STFU

I’m not so sure I like artificial intelligence at the moment. Especially since I watched a certain unsettling episode of X-Files about a month ago, which showed how AI can literally take over the world. While it can be a cool convenience, it’s also creepy and outright intrusive. I don’t care how convenient the ‘smart’ world is.

IMO, it’s something sinister, posing as your best friend. Remember the gif I posted in a previous blurb, titled ‘Who AM I?’ ? …

Hi, Damien
… NEED I elaborate? Or am I just one of those paranoid tinfoil hat-wearing old school right freaks?

We have Alexa (Echo DOT), and in the middle of my son’s intense gaming session a few minutes ago, she (Alexa) just randomly woke up, and starting talking weird shit. Shit that made no sense … like a language that I didn’t even recognize.

Does Alexa speak in tongues? It certainly wasn’t French, Spanish, German, Italian, or Japanese – all of which I can recognize if I listen carefully. I didn’t set her up for any foreign languages! Could it be a glitch? I don’t think I’m sleeping tonight, because I firmly believe that Alexa is possessed.

Comfort

What makes the perfect comfort quartet?

What do I mean by this?  Here is my perfect comfort quartet, as opposed to comfort food.

 

I’m SO glad I finally figured out how to shrink these f*ckers. This one was huge!

 

FINALLY, a music gif that properly represents which music I love most.

 


I love my crochet time.

…except I don’t currently have this cute bork…

A sheeb is on my list of possible next pets.  It’s either that, a golden retriever, or this guy.


…and his name will be Simon…