Assbikes And Shells

Today was a weird day.

The usual up at o’stupid-thirty until ridiculous af o’clock not only messed with my brain function, we had to be somewhere at 8:30, and I was confused because the sun was out.  Me plus driving plus half past dead isn’t a good combination.

And then when Kevin said “Are you ready?” within minutes of getting back home, I about cried on the spot, because I wanted a fucking nap – at 9:30, which really seemed like 3:30 in the afternoon at this point in my confused brain.  But I was too tired to cry, so I just slumped and said “Let me go to the bathroom first”.  And then we proceeded to drive 45 minutes (it seemed like 45 hours in my zombified brain) just to buy meat.

But the meat is worth the extra mileage and mental suffering and confusion.  Another bonus was breakfast at Dunkin Donuts.  Except the caffeine didn’t even make a dent in my lethargy.  It just made my hands shaky, which I absolutely hate.

So when we finally got home, I finished wiping my ass (don’t ask), washed up at the sink because I probably would’ve fallen asleep in the shower, and crawled off to bed – which I almost did naked, until I started shivering.  So I put on some fresh clothes and died until 3:00, when we had to head back out.

After eating 4 juicy ounces of pull apart cow, some leftover mashed potatoes and green bean casserole, my brain is finally aware of what day and time it actually is.  Only to be confused again tomorrow because my son has a day off from school.  I’ll probably forget to turn off my alarm, and I’ll be up at an obnoxious hour again for no reason at all.

Now excuse me, since I’m all messed up, maybe I’ll continue being messed up in hopes of fully waking up.  It’s after 5:00.

PS: I almost forgot about why my title is so screwy.  On the way home, we missed our exit, and continued until we found an exit that would take us in the right direction.  Let’s just say I was briefly awake when my husband took said exit at 50 miles per hour.  Said exit was a wicked S-shape, which isn’t as easy as it looks when you first go into it.

This gif looks really wrong. 

About halfway through the S-curve, I grabbed the OH SHIT BAR, and proceeded to scream at my husband to slow down.  “WHOA WHOA!!! This isn’t Mario Kart you know!!!”  And he proceeded to turn purple from laughing so hard.  But then some trucks started to box us in, and he decided to pass.

Have you ever heard of a mind meld?

We both had this in mind as we passed the obnoxious truck driver, and pretended to throw imaginary shells at him.  I can’t imagine what he thought.

And now for the best part.

My daughter has been having a crap day or two at college.  So I decided to text her and tell her about her father’s horrific driving habits.

20180319_1800371571653554.png

JESUS CHRIST that’s obnoxiously huge!

And now I’m off to research how to resize screenshots from my phone.  LORD!

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