The Ranch

My sleep sucked last night, thanks to heartburn.  It was my fault, of course.  I was an idiot, and decided to eat a small bag of my favorite Doritos.

Once I finally got to sleep, I went into dreams about my two favorite internet personalities.

In my dream, I was at a meetup, where there was a small group of fans.  Dan and Phil were making us do weird things for pictures to put in their new Interactive Introverts book, which I guess was part of their evil plan to include us in whatever they’re doing.

When Phil suggested we all pose with Darth Vader masks, I had to sit out of the picture because my head is too big, and I couldn’t find a mask/helmet big enough.  But then I was the photographer taking the damn picture.  I wanted to be in the book, dammit!

After all the photo ops, we were now on a beach for some reason, and I was still the damn photographer.  But the rest of the fans were off doing their own things, while I was recording Dan doing some weird exercise along the waterline.

His legs were criss-cross applesauce, and he was using his arms to push himself into the water.  Meanwhile, Phil was behind me, encouraging Dan by repeatedly saying “Good boy”, with Dan yelling “SHUT UP! They’ll hear us, and then the cat’s out of the bag that you’re my daddy!”.

I’m so far in the trash bin……

This morning, after my son got off to school, I went into even stranger dreams.

The setting was some animal ranch, hidden away in the middle of nowhere.  The only way to get to it was to drive a few miles on a ‘seasonal’ dirt road, which was only accessible if you had a code to the locked gate.  No problem.  One of my cousins gave me the code.  Turns out he was the owner of the ranch, and a few people were headed there for a party and fireworks.

But by the time I arrived, someone had found the secret location, and blew up the gate.  After hoofing it all the way to the ranch to warn everyone, the terror had already begun.  Animals were dying, and whoever was doing it was now looking for someone.  I can’t remember who, but we all locked down inside the barn, which was attached to the main house.

I remember trying to help the horses stay alive, but the only way was to sit up in their saddles to untangle ropes that were strangling them.  After that, I made my way into the main house, where I was taking care of many cuddly cats and dogs.  Something tells me this is my subconscious at work, because I want a pet so desperately.

After all was done with the animals, it was time for dinner, and my brother’s girlfriend showed up to help, leading us to a weird wing, close to the edge of the property – which was a f*cking cliff.  Next to the kitchen was a storage room of sorts.  Except in the room was a computer desk, and tables loaded with crafting supplies.  I absolutely had to have all the coloring supplies.  But she let me just borrow some.

Skip over dinner, and now I’m in a living room, in front of a fireplace with my adult coloring books and markers, trying desperately to get my cell phone to work with the ranch wi-fi.  Time to call my other brother, the computer wizard.  Except he was having issues with his cell phone.  And then he was busy talking to his wife, asking her questions about their new phones.

What they didn’t realize was I could hear everything they were saying … and doing.

Even worse is how I went into a completely different scene, where I was doing … things, with whom, I can’t recall.  And of course I woke up gagging, because I started gagging in my dream.  I won’t say why.

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