Extra Bizarro

That word always makes me laugh whenever I hear it.  I can’t remember where I originally heard it, but it’s one of my favorite word morphs.  Prepare yourself for bizarro.  Not just bizarre.  That’s too tame for my dreams early this morning.  Where do I even begin???  The following is all kinds of f*cked up.

Most of this dream cycle revolves around family, a party, and an extremely weird auction. 

The party begins at the ending of a family picnic, and we all head to my cousin’s house, not far from where our picnic was.  There were tons of people coming and going, most of whom were strangers.  But that’s the kind of party it is.  A few family members, and mostly friends, and their friends, and their friends…..and a band or two.  And before the night is over, the cops are usually there at least once.

But the cops weren’t there in my dream, because all was good – until we went looking for my cousin, who was hoarding all the booze.  And because it was getting close to the end of the party, I wanted at least one or two freaking drinks!  So, I went into a barn were I was told he was hanging out.  Except he disappeared by the time I got inside.

What I was greeted with had me rooted to the floor.

Along with at least 100 angry Mexican bikers … including my father, who was extremely pissed off because he found out I had been smoking a blunt earlier that day.  Except I didn’t know what I was smoking, so it wasn’t my fault!!!  After slinking my way out of the barn/bar to get to the pool, my cousin was nowhere to be found again!

So I went to another barn to watch a band play, and the Mexican bikers came stampeding out of the other barn, threatening to kill the lead singer of the band for God knows what.  And on the way through a line of people getting ready to watch the auction – my grandparents and a bunch of other family members were in the front row – one of the biker’s dogs came through and attacked my uncle’s leg, tearing off quite a bit of flesh from the knee, including the kneecap.

After everything settled down, and most of the troublemakers left, the auction started, and my brothers were trying to rush me home because they didn’t want me spending money.  Little did they know I put in a few early bids.   But then the car broke down, and I had to walk back to my aunt and uncle’s house, which wasn’t far from the auction and the party.

Weird number 1 was that my uncle’s knee was taped together, and he was hobbling around like it was just a scratch.  I guess he really didn’t want to miss that auction.

Weird number 2 is by the time we got there, the auction had ended, and I apparently won a pair of Cleopatra’s earrings, which were highly coveted throughout the world, and people lost their shit because they didn’t realize the earrings were there and I was the only bidder.  And because I was the only bidder, I had to go through some sort of ceremony to prove my worthiness of owning these goddamn earrings.

Weird number 3 was that I had to allow some old lady disrobe and prepare me for meeting a goddess.  I was made to bathe and hold a bowl against my stomach to allow my nipples to drain golden milk.  Said milk was to be offered to the goddess when she arrived.

But when I told the old lady my nipples don’t produce golden milk, she proceeded to prod me in search of some secret valves under my boobs.  “You must not have been blessed.  This means I must suckle you until you lactate.”

And then she was arranging my legs so that I was sitting crisscross applesauce, and she shrunk herself so that she fit in my lap.  Thankfully that part went quickly, because I was about to lose all of my dignity at this point in the dream.  Thank God my family couldn’t see this crap.

When the goddess finally showed up in the form of some transparent alien-like creature, I gave her my golden milk, and was allowed to get dressed, keep the earrings, and finally go home … so that I could consume a fifth of Jack Daniels in hopes I’d forget that entire ordeal.

But before I left, I had to help my brother collect his winnings, and then we ran into some musician friends, one of which had traveled from Japan.  And then I was crying because I really didn’t want to go home.  So I settled for running back up to my aunt and uncle’s house, rummaged through their basement for some booze, and promptly got locked in.

Luckily some nice friends of the bikers were down there, and led the way to a secret escape door, via underground tunnels, which led back to the auction.  Then once I made it back to my brother and his buddy, the sun was coming up, and my damn earrings dissolved from my earlobes!  But that was okay, because I got to see my favorite musician.

But that didn’t last long because our clocks changed this weekend and I’m all messed up … and my bones were hurting from sleeping in one position too long, and I woke up in agony.

I’m thinking melatonin is in order tonight.  I don’t want any more of last night’s weirdness.  I need a break.

 

 

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