The Retail Conspiracy

This isn’t about a real conspiracy.  It’s just another one of my wacky dreams – about shopping at Wal-Mart, and how the employees were plotting against me, using me as a pawn in a terrorist attack plot.

I told you it was crazy.

It started out as a harmless shopping spree.  Things were on clearance as the store prepared for the Easter holiday.  Before I forget, this store was massive.  It was like the size of three super centers.

SOOOO many things were on clearance, I just started filling up my cart with early Christmas presents … and things I wanted for myself, like a Grinch coffee cup, a giant Snorlax pillow, fluffy pink boas, and a few warm onesies, including a Grinch onesie, because I’ve wanted one for a few years now, and still don’t have one.

Tangent – I also want a Totoro, Pac-Man, lemur, Buffalo plaid, rabbit, and Snorlax onesies.  I need a job…

Anyway, I set my cart aside so I could find help because I couldn’t reach a special Grinch cup I wanted, but people were being rude, and kept giving me the wrong cup, laughing at me because my cart was full of kids’ stuff that was all clearly for me, and NOT Christmas presents.  They saw right through me.  Well, a few things were actually gifts.  Just a few.

But then my cart disappeared, and I was pissed, because all the things in my cart were one of a kind, and there weren’t any left in stock!  So, I started running around the store, playing hide and seek with the dickhead employees who kept moving my cart around.

FINALLY, when one cute guy took pity on me, he gave me my cart, and helped me cash out.  Except he wasn’t just cashing me out.  He proceeded to hold a gun to my head, and walked me out to his van, revealing that I was going to be his hostage for the next newscast.

I somehow managed to break loose, and run away like I was Linda Carter.

Thanks, giphy!  How the hell did her boobs never fly out of that costume?  And how did she breathe?!

In the end, my bladder started poking my subconscious as I was running away.  People were laughing and I couldn’t figure out why.  Was I running funny?  NOPE.  Pee was trickling down my legs.

And that’s how I exited my dream, sneaking back to consciousness, wriggling in bed as I fought my bladder.

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