Not the movie.  But it was a good movie.  Messed up, but good.  And I guess you can say my dreams were just as messed up, because I’m still a bit disturbed.  Okay.  A LOT disturbed.  Maybe going back to sleep after my son goes to school is a bad idea, like my doctor said.

How does one go about describing messed up?  Especially when none of it makes sense?  Is that supposed to be a question, or a sentence?  I’ll leave it.

The first thing I recall is riding on a scooter through thick woods.  The scooter was tiny af, yet it somehow allowed for 2 people to ride.  I was on the back, of course, hanging on for dear life, as a friend sped through the woods, trying to find our way out.  It was weird because it was my uncle’s property, but we were in a part of the property that I’ve only been in once, and not by myself.

We were supposed to be finding wood to burn for our camp, and we had a small trailer attached to the back of the scooter.  But we kept losing wood the further we went.  When we finally found our way back to civilization, there was a hot air balloon event going on, and people were setting up in my parents’ back yard!

I was like “SHIT! I FORGOT ALL ABOUT THIS!!!” and proceeded to whip out my cell phone, because it was all I had.

I forgot to mention we almost got killed in the woods a few times. 1. We were riding along the edge of a cliff, and almost went over.  2. Someone almost ran us over with a gigantic tractor.  And 3.  It started snowing in the woods, and we were going downhill on a fucking scooter.

Tangent:  I keep trying to misspell scooter, as either schooter, or scotter.  I need coffee. BRB

Okay, I’m back.  For a minute, while I wait for 2 cups to brew on my Keurig.

Anyway, it was like people didn’t want me to take pictures of the hot air balloons.  Balloons were launching like freaking rockets, and I couldn’t aim my damn camera fast enough for the guys that were launching close to me.

Once I made my way to a different area, the event coordinator blasted her megaphone directly in my face, shouting that the event was a no photography zone.

So, I snuck off to another area where I wasn’t likely to get caught taking pictures or filming.  But as I was making my way through crowds of people, I started running into distant family members, and they were judging me.  And just to be a bitch, I filmed a few minutes of balloons, snapped a few pictures, and started running from security, and almost died in the process because I somehow found my way to the other end of the cliff, which overlooked water.

After scaling my way to safety, I took off running toward a city, which I’m going to assume it was Niagara Falls/Buffalo, New York, because there were some familiar roadways and interstate belts, and a few have even been in past dreams.  They’re bridges, of course.  Bridges that are suspended hundreds of feet over water, and have wicked loops to navigate, and if you’re going too fast, you’ll fly over the rail and die.

Thank God I wasn’t driving in this sequence.  Instead, I found a department store to hide in, which was about to go out of business, and they were having a crazy 1 hour sale, where everything was $5.  Even the designer stuff.  And of course because I’m short, and SLOW, I missed out on a lot of good shit.  It didn’t help that everyone kept bullying their weight past me to get things I wanted.

But that’s alright.  I found my way into another building where the sale was still good, and there were tons of antiques, kitchen goods, food, bathroom shit, and puppies.  Why wasn’t anyone rescuing the puppies?!

After bawling my eyes out because I didn’t find anything good, my mom found me, and she took me to a secluded area where my grandma was, and I found all kinds of cool kitchen stuff.  But I really only wanted one thing.  An enormous casserole.  Big enough to fit a special dessert I love.  But then my aunt showed up, and she wanted it.  And because I love my aunt to death, I let her have it, and I went about searching through any untouched closets and rooms.

One room led to another, and another, and before I knew it, I was in the WRONG area, and I walked in on someone doing the do, and people across the hall started cackling.  Thank GOD I found my way back to a safe point, where a cousin was waiting, and handed me a very wiggly blanket.  “Keep him safe.  I can’t have him.”  Ummmm…

So, as I tried to find my way fucking home to get the blanket to safety, I discovered it was a beagle puppy, and my heart exploded because I’ve been wanting a dog for a million years since my other dog died in 2004.  I still cry about him whenever I see pictures of other people’s dogs that look like him.

Once I found my way to a gateway room to get out of whatever whacked universe I was in, there were a million people in this small room.  I guess it was a theater, because all sorts of movies were playing – on the ceiling, and people were crawling along the ceiling to keep up with their movies.

I should’ve known better than to try and watch a movie while I waited to get out of the place.  I started floating, AND DEFLATING.  I was turning into FLAT STANLEY!!!  Even worse was when I screamed.  I sounded like a balloon when you pinch the stem to let the air slowly squeak out!

When I screamed “WHAT’S HAPPENING?!?!!!”, someone shouted back “It’s hereditary! You’re about to shrink to death!”  And thank God my daughter poked me awake, because I was about to piss myself, in my dream and for real, because I was about to fucking deflate to death!!!

It wasn’t a pleasant feeling at all.  In fact, when I stood up from bed, I could feel the blood going to my legs – like I was re-inflating …. or something similar.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I believe there’s a bottle of Bailey’s Irish Creme in the fridge.  Regular coffee isn’t going to erase those dreams.  I can’t make this shit up.  I promise.  Sometimes I wonder if I should print them out and present them to my doctor.  But that might not be such a great idea, since I 1,000 percent dislike hospitals.

I originally wanted to put a video link in here, but there’s no official video to Dr. Demento’s “They’re Coming To Take Me Away”.  Also, it probably isn’t a good idea, since mental health is no joke.  🙄

Thanks to giphy for the gif.

Good day.

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