¡Muévete!

…I need the bathroom.  NOW! …

Day 7 of my current journey, and I think I’m adjusting fairly well – intermittent crying and irritability aside.

I’ve decided not to gorge on any of the foods now listed as free in the current Weight Watchers Freestyle plan. It not only defeats the purpose of learning portion control (a major factor in maintaining a healthy weight), but it will also wreak havoc on my sensitive stomach.

By no means is eating healthy easy for someone with Crohn’s disease and IBS. It sucks gigantic elephant trunk as far as I’m concerned. But, I’ll adjust, and survive. I did the last time I went on this journey.

In case you’re asking how I fell off this wagon, all I have to say is this: because I went into self destruct mode after my father passed away three years ago. I not only starting eating badly, I also sat on my ass, and hopped a long ride on a different, evil wagon, whose name I won’t mention. Luckily, I’m able to jump off that wagon, and stay off for the most part. I’ll take a quick joy ride now and then. But only as a reward when I meet certain goals.

That said, in light of everyone complaining about the new system and their reduced daily points allowance, give it a chance. If you’re going to complain, complain about something worth complaining about. Like the following side effects I experienced today.

•1 slice low calorie whole wheat bread (1 smart point)
•2 tbsp. plain avocado (1 smart point & an itchy throat)
•1 microwaved egg (FREE, plus a side of radiation)
•1/3 c. nonfat Greek yogurt (FREE, plus a healthy dose of gas)
•12 gigantic seedless green grapes (FREE, + an instant canker sore)
•large black coffee (FREE, plus a side of the shakes)
•1 tsp. Coffee Mate flavored creamer (1 smart point, plus a case of the craps)

TOTAL: 3 smart points, plus 1 pound instantly lost, due to the adverse side effects of this bloody way of life that’s supposed to be healthy.

I can’t wait until lunch!

 

Holiday Zoo

T’was the day before December, when all through the city
I should’ve woken early, but the weather is shitty
The streets are all decked with holiday cheer
The mad rush is on, until the new year

The children in school, all antsy at their desks
While visions of lunch dance in their heads
With hubby at work, and me in my bed
I consider some shopping, but I still feel quite dead

When out of the blue, I felt a slight whim
I brewed a fresh coffee, and filled it to the brim
Into the bathroom, I quickly got ready
Preparing for hell, I’ll take it slow and steady

The clouds are covering most of the land
I start my car, the driveway is quicksand
When what to my very tired eyes should appear
An oil light of warning, a change is soon near

With a curse and punch to my steering wheel hard
I get on the road, bad drivers I disregard
No matter how careful I am with my habits
The idiots surround me, they drive like they’re rabid

“You asshole, you dick, you can’t drive a stick!”
“You’re not supposed to stop when you turn. MAKE IT QUICK!”
To the end of the street, and around the corner
I’m finally moving, the car is getting warmer

The mad rush of mid-day is so aggravating
So much for lunch, ’til dinner I’m waiting
A few miles down, the traffic congests
What was I thinking? I’m beginning to stress

And then in a moment of random road rage
The driver next to me seemingly aged
A horn and a crunch, not far from us is heard
The sirens will follow, along with curse words

Finally away from the hustle and bustle
I’ve reached my destination, I can safely unbuckle
Taking a breath, I reach for my phone
Where is my purse, to the floor it had flown

The store is a zoo, but that is alright
I’m feeling determined, I proceed without fright
I rush to the carts, there’s only one left
I push my way past, the people I nearly heft

I suddenly smell cookies, my cold nostrils flare
I proceed with caution, I’m a dieter – beware
Through the aisles, I place special things
In the cart that I’m pushing, where germs are the kings

The shelves are messy, destroyed by the masses
Since the recent Black Friday, what a bunch of asses
Even though there isn’t, much of a selection
I find a few treasures, and proceed with inspection

I look at my watch, I haven’t much more time
I must check out, there’s a million people in line
I scramble to the front, of the store with little worry
Is that Santa I hear? Oh, please cashier, HURRY!

As he approached my lane with a smile
He handed me candy. He’s here for a while
My day is much brighter, and not so depressing
I return home safely, and count all my blessings

Thank God I Switched

…my major in college… 25 years ago.

Now I know why computer specialists are paid so well. They’re put through hell in college.

Mind you, I switched to something just as brain rotting – mathematics – but I felt it was necessary for the sake of what little was left of my sanity, while pursuing something high in demand at the time – math teachers.

My poor daughter is a computer science major, and her head is quickly turning into something resembling a mushroom, overloaded with numbers and logic. Two classes have her crying almost every night. Apparently, according to upperclassmen, nearly half of the computer science majors at her particular university fail these courses [taught by a specific professor].

Next semester will be trying, but at least I can help her with her statistics class, and her father can help her with discreet math – a class which I won’t even touch with a ten foot pole, because it was almost the cause of a mental breakdown for me. Either the professor was a shit teacher, or logic truly does not exist in my head. After a third attempt, I simply opted for an incomplete, which determined my future of NOT becoming a math teacher.

A useless associates degree and 22 years later, I’ve decided to return to school for something which I should’ve done in the first place. It will be a little bit easier this time. I won’t have a mother breathing down my neck, spying on me to make sure I am even at school. Sorry, Mom. But you damaged me. RIP. I also have that degree behind me, which exempts me from general classes such as humanities, fine arts, and more classes in math.

Well, at least my daughter and I will be able to suffer brain rot together for a few semesters.

I’ll PEE On You!

Y’all would be proud of me. Well, at least my closest friends and family would.

I actually left my house today. Here’s an even bigger shocker. It was for holiday shopping. OH MY GOD! Check Cara for a fever. My best friend would certainly be checking me. I’m such an evil grinch, that I threaten my husband whenever he turns Christmas music on before Thanksgiving Day. And now, between him, my daughter, and a few of my Facebook friends, it has become a regular joke to piss me off as soon as school starts.

Considering my moderate germophobia, I tend to avoid shopping at all costs. Last year, most of my shopping was online. Taking the alarming spike in crime where I live into account, I won’t risk having packages stolen from my front door. So, between getting myself a P.O. box and shopping, I think I just might do okay – unless we have ice storms.

Three years ago, I did a nice little stunt in a parking lot when I was getting out of my vehicle – twice. Had any rando seen me, they might’ve thought I was attempting ice dancing, or some weird shit to get attention. After being yelled at numerous times by my husband, I haven’t left my house much since then. Even in good weather, because apparently, I’ve forgotten how to even walk without tripping on my own two feet.

But back to shopping earlier today. I woke up, debated for an hour or so whilst attempting to go back to sleep, and finally gave up. I threw my hair into a pony tail, covered my half-assed job with a baseball cap, got dressed, and took off for the Salvation Army. Now, before you judge, I love going there for CDs and occasional treasures which people accidentally get rid of, not knowing the worth of what they just gave away for free. I also like to find comfortable t-shirts for wearing around the house.

Since Wednesdays are 50% off all clothing, I had to take a look through some t-shirts before I continued my day in other stores. Until …

There were literally at least three people in every aisle of the damn store! I don’t usually complain about people being too close – if it’s someone I know, or I’m at least familiar with them. But in a place like Salvation Army (someone I know calls it SLIME-ATION Army), you never know who is touching things, or what plague they might have. Excuse me, but no thanks. Get away from me. I’ll pee on you if you come too close.

Yep, I’m that person. No offense, folks. I just have a problem with germs and claustrophobia. Our Salvation Army is large, but it is crammed with long rows of clothing, with very little space for people to walk through. It’s uncomfortable AF, and I probably will not return on family day. I might throat punch someone if they get too close.

Meanwhile, today wasn’t a complete waste. I managed to accomplish what I set out to do.

Deafening Silence

In the absence
Of life’s intrusions
The sound of silence
Brings frightening illusions

When nighttime falls
Minus sirens
Welcomed cacophony
A preferred reliance

When circumstances reign
And the lights go out
Ears covered by hands
Insomnia no doubt

Equinox winds
Rustling leaves
Anything at all
I’d gladly receive

Tiny Leaps And Bounds

Have you ever been so confused that you need to start over?

I don’t know how people juggle multiple platform accounts. I guess that’s what managers and teams are for.

But I’m just a nobody. I’m a stay at home mom, just trying to organize and consolidate my social media. It is not easy. But, I’m getting there. All I need is content, which I’m working on. I have a mile-long list of ideas. I need to get my sh*t together and write the bloody material.

My blog is just part of the picture – the beginning stages. Honestly, I really don’t know how people like Jenny Lawson manage things. What’s the secret? Should I just stick with a few platforms, and leave it at that?

I see creators across many more platforms than I’m willing to attempt. I guess I’ll just take it a few tiny steps at a time, and see where it goes.

It’s not really my intention to get anywhere. It’s really just an outlet, to be quite honest. An outlet to keep me busy, until I go back to school.

Do I DARE create a Tumblr? Is that platform even the place for the content I want to create? I’m slightly afraid.

I’m open to suggestions.

PS: It’s Friday the 13th, and I’ve created brand new Twitter and YouTube accounts. Yesterday it was Facebook. God help me.

Eden

Locks of gold
Orbs of light
Manicured digits
Presence excites

Veiled countenance
Confident stance
Enchanting energy
Provoking a trance

Resentfully sharp
Prowler beware
Gone in an instant
Much like a hare

Such beauty should be
Observed with respect
Lest it transform
In attempt to deflect

Listen don’t look
Wise words train
For those who take heed
Glorious sound shall remain

Original poem by Cara Krzyzanowski 18 August 2017

 

A Place In The Clouds

For sins of the past
One eternally here
There is only pain
Its end nowhere near

Punishment undeserved
Of one not so wicked
50 years and 50 days
Then hopefully acquitted

When all hope seems lost
For a soul almost seared
An angel of mercy
From the heavens appeared

Surrendering self
There’s only one key
Unconditional love
Will set one free

 

 

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/penchant/

 

 

 

Original poem Cara Krzyzanowski 13 September 2017

Inspired by Tim Donahue’s rock opera, ‘The Cage’

 

 

Practical Joker

A day late and a dollar short (what exactly does that even mean?), I’m writing this.

It’s funny I ran across this prompt, because just this morning, as I was still peeling my eyelids open (my typo originally said PEEING! Imagine peeing your eyelids open…..), a memory of me torturing my family made me laugh.

You see, I’m a sadistic little shit. I take delight in freaking people out, and/or screwing with them.

A few years ago, before my father passed away, I was sitting at his kitchen table, along with my two brothers, my father, and my daughter. My husband was in the other room watching Star Trek or something.

Everyone was so consumed in conversation, an evil little gremlin snuck into my ear and whispered “Do it“. My face morphed into a smiling Grinch, and I whipped out my cell phone, stealthily hiding it under the table as I continued pretending to listen what everyone was talking about.

My brother had his laptop on the table, and we were listening to funny YouTube videos. But naughty me, I turned on my YouTube app, and pulled up this.

DO NOT LISTEN WITH EARPHONES!!! You’ll lose your mind.

Keep in mind, I have close to 50% hearing loss, and I don’t hear anything until almost the end.  So this doesn’t really bother me.  Especially since I always have ringing and buzzing in my ears (tinnitus, thank you very freaking much!).

But within seconds, my daughter was the first one to literally SPOOK.  Of course she did!  She was sitting directly to my left, completely oblivious as to what I was doing.  Meanwhile, my father, who was on my right, proceeded to jam his little finger in his ear, wiggling it incessantly.

My brothers?  Well, the brother to the left of my daughter cocked his head sideways, looking suspiciously at his laptop, trying desperately to shutdown.  He thought it was about to explode or something.  And my brother across the table from me, killed me with his reaction.  I don’t think there are words to describe it, other than to say his eyeballs bulged, he gasped, and slapped his hands over his ears, saying “WHAT THE F*CK?!?!”  Meanwhile, my husband in the other room shouted “TURN THAT OFF!”.

I still laugh maniacally whenever I think about it.

When we were eating lunch a little bit later, my oldest brother got his revenge while I was drinking coffee, saying “Now that my ears have reset, I can continue normal conversation without having an aneurysm”.

Even though it cost me my phone for the day, everyone’s reactions were absolutely PRICELESS.

I’m so mean.

 

A/N: I may or may not have written about this a long time ago, on an old blog which does not exist anymore.  I couldn’t resist revisiting this memory.