…drink and Facebook.
Good GOD, what is wrong with me? I’m scrolling through my timeline, searching for some public polls/questions I made a long time ago, and cringing – to the point of where I say it’s time for a f*cking drink!
Here are some examples of some of my old Facebook posts.
“Look out Captain Obvious. It ain’t the devil comin’ after your soul this time, it’s ME coming after that FIRM body!” ~ A quote from my favorite television show.
“Little toe: A tool to find furniture in the dark…”
“A hard man is good to find” ~ I believe that was a Mae West quote.
“omg there’s ppl at the fair that can be their own dad.” …. oh lord. We were living near Pittsburgh at the time.
“LOVE IT when my neck cracks in five places with one simple stretch of my head.” ~ I’m still able to do this.
“Bubbles possess just a MAGILE quality” ~ awww! Criss Angel said this on his old Mindfreak television show. I just saw him live recently. ♥
“is staying neutral and headed to bed after a long stint of reading ‘Twilight’.” ~ oh no…. did I really admit that?
“is in LEGO HELL! Thanks alot Santa. LOL” ~ legos are like bear traps. Just saying…
“Whoever said ‘the freaks come out at night’ has obviously never been at Walmart during the day! LMAO” ~ self explanatory!
“realized that ‘strap-on’ is ‘no-parts’ spelled backwards… COINCIDENCE?” ~ I’m guessing I borrowed some of these from a status generator..? maybe
“need to readjust my halo.. my horns are showing” ~ this is still the case…
“I think that if women have to suffer from PMS, bloating, cramps and sore boobs, then men should get a swift kick in the balls at least once a month!” ~ does this qualify as hate speech? I certainly hope not!
“just found out what happens when you hit ‘ctrl w’.. try it.. you’ll laugh” ~ some people were pissed…
“better not see an effing clown at the parade or I’ll slap it!” ~ I still do not like clowns.
“…Lord Stanley, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy playoffs come, thy games be won, on the road as it is in Buffalo. Forgive us our goals, as we forgive those few who score against us and lead us not into overtime, but deliver us victory in regulation. For your cup, your power and glory will be ours, forever and ever. In the name of The Miller, The Myers, and the Holy Ruff. Amen (PLEASEEEEE!!!!?)” ~ … and I don’t believe the Buffalo Sabres have been in the playoffs SINCE. UGH
“I believe that the only people who truly know the meaning of the word quickie are parents.” ~ I think this is from Bill Engvall. And it’s true.
“PUDDING!!!” ~ If I have any followers who watch a certain television show, they’ll know the reference.
“???” ~ Oh God. I know what that was about. No, I’m not telling.
“Nothing like ringing in the new year feeling frisky! Does that mean I’m going to feel frisky all year?” ~ WTF is wrong with me?!?!
“Keeping my fingers crossed I have the same dreams I’ve been having the past few days.” ~ Oh no… remember how I have dream recall? I still remember what dreams I was referring to.
“Have to remove some of these nuts from my balls. They’re too big and the balls will fall apart when I cook them.” ~ Some of my friends were insisting I was drunk when I posted that status. I promise you, I was not. I was just being my usual deranged self.
“My moose has taken up permanent residence on my leg.” ~ I was referring to a plushie my bestie sent in the mail.
“It’s mega maid! She’s gone from suck to blow!” ~ People lost their minds because they didn’t know it was from a movie I was watching.
“I cried SO hard. Yesterday I had to go to the doctor. When I got there, the only spot left in parking was right next to a handicapped spot. When I parked the van, I saw an elderly man who reminded me of my Grandfather. I got out, nodded hello and he nodded back with a big smile. He seemed excited yet sad about something. As I walked toward the doctors office, I noticed he was going the same direction I was. I thought to myself OK, maybe he also has an appointment. I got to the desk, checked in and noticed he just sat down without checking himself in. He just sat there, staring wide eyed at me. Ok, I thought, he’s old and senile. I’ll just ignore him. Soon I was called by the doctor. I spoke with the doctor about my current health issues. Soon I was done, went to the desk to make a follow up appointment, and noticed the old man was still sitting there! Maybe he didn’t know he had to sign in. “Sir, do you need me to sign in for you?” I asked as I was getting ready to leave. “No… No I’m not here to see this doctor.” he answered. “OK” I said and started toward the door to get to my van. Halfway there I noticed he was walking briskly behind me. “Sir can I help you with something?” I asked. “I’m sorry” he said anxiously, grasping at my coat sleeve, practically making me jump, “But you look SO MUCH like ANDREA, my Granddaughter!!!” By now he started to shout “ANDREA?!” “No I’m sorry sir. I’m not Andrea” I said, feeling bad, peeling his grip from my sleeve. “But you were hit by that truck!!! HOW can you be here?” he started crying loudly. “NO sir I’m not your Granddaughter!” I stepped back, now scared. “YES! YES YOU ARE!!!” he shouted, coming at me with full bodily force, causing me to fall to the ground, as he starting pulling my leg, JUST LIKE I’M PULLING YOURS!!! Now if you don’t repost this some old man is going to come at YOU and pull on YOUR LEG! You read the whole thing. Don’t break it or you will have NIGHTMARES about this old coot! LMAO” ~ Some people weren’t too jazzed with that post.
“The girls are about to become pancakes!” ~ can you guess?
“Is this true? Yes, it’s true…. this man has no d*ck. … Listen! Do you smell something?” ~ Another movie I was watching.
“Didn’t 888-8888 used to be 854-2020? I think it’s time for bed. LOL” ~ something only Western New Yorkers will understand.
“Bubbles Pickle Pants?!” ~ I have no idea what this was about.
“10 minute” ~ I’m a horrible person.
“Brewski …. NOWSKI!” ~ if anyone knows what a brewski is, you know what it means.
“How do you call your loverboy?” ~ most folks my age and maybe a generation younger might guess this.
“Breaking Dawn 2!” ~ oh no….
“Touching Tom! 20 yards!” ~ oh God… I still can’t stand him.
“Should I, or shouldn’t I?” ~ ugh, I know what this was about. Don’t ask.
“Vuja de: The feeling that this has never happened before.” ~ can anyone guess who said this? No cheating!
“SO good, it’ll blow your hair back!” ~ can you guess?
“Are you kidding me??!!!!!” ~ I’m such a drama queen.
“We’re police officers. We’re not trained to handle this kind of violence!” ~ I honestly can’t remember what movie it’s from.
“Exercise of the day: Sit in a chair near the edge. Take your left leg and swing your foot in a circular fashion counter clockwise (left). At the same time, take your left hand and draw a circle in the air in the clockwise direction, without changing the direction of your left leg.” ~ Go ahead, try it.
“SHAZAM!” ~ oh no… I have a problem.
“Conjunction junction, what’s your function?” ~ WHO remembers?
“…and now I’ve got them all” ~ I know what this is about. I was busy buying every single David Garrett CD I could get my hands on.
“Who’s next up there? Who’s coming on up? Who’s gonna get their heads cut? Well well well. Who sent you here? Can’t talk little man? Bet can’t play none either.” ~ OOH OOH! From one of my favorite films.
“The tall one is on FB?” ~ don’t ask
“Why is the sound of a bag of chips always 10x louder at night? Just saying.” ~ It’s true!
“Can’t wait to have my pickled herring!” ~ I got a lot of “YUCK!” responses.
“No sir, I didn’t like it.” ~ can anyone guess?
“My husband just busted me as I was singing Bom Chicka Wow Wow” ~ ugh!
“Do you have what it takes to be the GodFocker?” ~ I love that movie.
“BEAVER URINE is sometimes used in vanilla flavoring?!?!” ~ my husband just called me a sicko.
“Fact: When the male honey bee climaxes during sex, its testicles explode and the bee dies.” ~ and now my husband just said I’m mean.
“I will NOT be sitting on Santa’s lap any time soon!” ~ Yes. Santa popped a stiff one on me. All I was trying to do was get a fun picture to put in Christmas cards!
“AYFKM?!” ~ Millennials will understand this.
“O M G .. it’s just a shadow! .. no no no.. it’s impossible… omg no No 😲… Just my overactive imagination! … 😱 ! coincidence.. IT CAN’T BE AGGHHH! … seeing things … it’s the lighting – IT CAN’T … no no NO . it doesn’t exist. NO. WHYYYYY ???” ~ Oh NOOOOOO! I totally remember what this was in reference to! I’m not telling.
“Zilch! …” ~ UGH! Another cringy shit post.
“Don’t let them in, don’t let them see. Be the good girl you always have to be. Conceal, don’t feel, put on a show. Make one wrong move and everyone will know.” ~ someone kill me…
“Sorry about that. In other news the Prime Minister of Sweden visited Washington today and my tiny little nipples went to France.” ~ my poor cousin didn’t know what to think of that post.
“After dinner hilarity…” ~ I can only assume my family was acting crazy.
“Dear vehicle and random household items : It seems you take delight in electrocuting me on a regular basis. I would like to keep my heart, and maintain my already fragile nervous system alive for as long as possible. Please stop it, or I may take to kicking you on a regular basis.” ~ self explanatory
“Moja droga ja cie kocham.” ~ awww a loved one responded back with something mushy. ♥
“Everybody loves a Dickens Cider. You can get a Dickens Cider just about anywhere.” ~ oh no…
“INFELIZ! … I N F E L I Z !!!!! MUY ENOJADO. Estoy sacudiendo el puño al cielo, enojado con mis padres.” ~ UH oh! I was PISSED.
“If I over cook my food, will I lose weight since I already burned the calories?” ~ this applies now!
“Sell crazy some place else. We’re all stocked up here.” ~ I remember this.
“He’s an angry elf” ~ I think most people will get this.
“10 minute” ~ this has been a recurring status over the years.
“At the moment of death, will you look back on being loved, or having loved?” ~ from a film I still love, and cry every time I watch, for certain reasons.
“WhO SuMmOnEd ThE wHiTe StUfF?!?!?!” ~ I really am tired of it.
“I’ll always remember” ~ in reference to 9/11
“There can be only one”
“….when you know how hot a jalapeño will be by how it smells…” ~ I had a bad night after eating them.
“Shouldn’t hemorrhoids be called ASTEROIDS?” ~ I have to be funny.
“Some things are best left to the imagination, because I like to imagine BIG!” ~ me and my dirty mind…
“Last time … the memories will remain though. 😊😭” ~ we sold my parents’ house. Talk about emotional.
“F Y Chelios!” ~ hehehe
“O M G WHO owns that mansion across from Ms. Thankyou?!” ~ someone responded with “Mr. You’re Welcome” … smartass
“My brother just said I get banged all the time ….. cough…. we are talking about snow” ~ I come from a long line of inappropriate smartasses.
“Omg the things I say when I’ve had a few. … I’m sorry!!!” ~ self explanatory
“That’s a special kind of special…” ~ uh oh. I was up to no good at the expense of an undesirable.
“Food coma!” ~ a common occurrence.
“Can you hammer a 6 inch spike through a board with your penis? …. A girl’s gotta have her standards.” ~ can you guess?
We don’t talk about 2016
“I’m FUNGRY! Anyone who has ever been on a diet can probably figure out that word.”
“Thanks for the tears!” ~ my best friend made me cry.
1 c. Progresso Light beef pot roast soup (2 smart points, +edema from the salt)
1 c. stewed tomatoes added to soup for additional veggie (FREE food, +1 broken nail from opening the can)
2 oz. Sahlen’s Smokehouse ham (2 smart points, +MORE edema)
1 slice 45 calorie whole wheat bread (1 smart point)
Dash of Italian seasoning for flavor (FREE food)
4 oz. no sugar added applesauce (FREE food)
TOTAL: 5 smart points
…and a partridge in a pear tree… ” ~ this is recent
“HE TOUCHED THE NECK!!!
😂😜😱😈” ~ oh no…
“It’s weird when you hit your funny bone. You want death. But no matter how hard you pinch the flesh there, it doesn’t hurt.”
“why are more and more people typing in all lower case on the internet and leaving out punctuation i don’t understand is it another ploy to defy the norm please help it’s really annoying not to mention completely ridiculous” ~ I’m such a jerk.
“Good luck with that grievance against the NFL” ~ ugh. I don’t want to talk about this again.
“Sitting on a light sabre is extremely painful” ~ it’s my son’s fault.
“My bags have bags”
“I stood” ~ I don’t follow the popular opinion.
“…when a few rotten pieces of fruit poisons an entire grove…” ~ no explanation needed
“Hot pumpkin pie in a cup” ~ too bad it’s for a limited time each year
“Just when I think I’ve seen and heard it all, someone is walking around with an emotional support goat – in a baby stroller… …” ~ do I NEED to talk about this?
“Lucifer called. He wants his weather back. 💩” ~ I love Luci
“I don’t think there is enough booze to fix what the Teletubbies did to my brain. 😂💀” ~ ugh!
“Arty Farty had a party
All his friends were there
Tutti Fruity blew a beauty
All his friends went out for air” ~ oldie but a goodie.
“I think my stomach is possessed. It just growled, and I swear it said my name. ”
“All I have to say is OH MY GOD. WHAT an epic ending.” ~ GoT
“…THAT’S IT!!! … UGH **PUKE** .. I’m not eating anymore… ” ~ I can’t remember what this is about.
“Whoever has a voodoo doll of me, PLEASE give it a bloody rest?! Thanks.”
“I hate people who road rage. I just want to run them into the wall.”
“WHO is already tired next week? Raise your hand!”
“I hate when I actually sound like an adult. I don’t WANT to be an adult!”
“I wonder what Freud would say about my aural fixation.” ~ oh no…
“Stop what you’re doing right now, and tell Siri “I see a little silhouetto of a man” ” ~ That was a fun day!
“..when you’re so tired, you accidentally start snoring even though your eyeballs are still open….”
“….when it’s dark, and you’re in a hurry, and you realize the lid is down….” ~ whoops
“I don’t know which is more stupid – the time when I slammed the door on my nose at my parents’, or just now, when I assaulted one of the girls in the same manner… OW”
“…when you text ‘CABRÓN!!!’ to the wrong person… #whoops ”
“To eat food dropped in your cleavage or not? That is the question.” ~ LORD!
“Do I HAVE to move? It’s Friday. Just give me covfefe.” ~ oh no…
“I’m waiting for my phone to ring” ~ OH MY GOD! What a day that was! ♥
“I love having a personal fitness hound – “I better see some steps in your stats soon!” 😂😂😂 … Time to up my game. Now if it would only STOP RAINING!!!” ~ I got a FitBit.
“…when someone mentions nut juice, or nut milk…” ~ oh no…
“…when lightning strikes so close that your arm hair stands up on end… TIME TO GET OFF THE COMPUTER!” ~ it struck across the street from my house!
“Mega bailey’s sherbet chocolate truffle candy mountain explosion” ~ ♥
“If you see someone at the movies buying popcorn, candy, soda, nachos, a pretzel, and ice cream … they’re a drug dealer. There’s no other explanation for that kind of income. ” ~ I think I borrowed this from Tumblr.
“-that noise you make when you have that first sip of coffee or tea in the morning-” ~ AAAAHHHH
“I will be your servant, and your slave” ~ from one of my favorite films. ♥
2018 … so far …
“For the new year, I’m going to concentrate on myself – like everyone else does. My resolution is to give what I get. Nothing more. Nothing less. If I get a lot of “Maybe”, “I don’t know yet”, or “Possibly”, expect it back. If I get “Love ya”, “Hugs”, or “How are you?”, expect it back. Finally, Happy New Year … early. Best wishes to all in the year to come, and may you get what you give.” ~ ouch! I was pissed off.
“Breast milk JEWELRY?!?! Just when I think I’ve heard it all …” ~ things keep getting more and more weird as I get older.
“Eggs are sparse in grocery stores lately. Gee, weight watchers made them (and chicken) a zero point food. Meanwhile, people are bitching that they gained 3 pounds last week. Well, how many eggs and how many pounds of chicken are you eating, dumbo??? Do people really think zero points food is a ticket to binge? #smh ” ~ and I keep getting meaner and meaner with age.
“I just gave my fish a heart attack when I slammed my drink down on the table. Oops. ” ~ poor fish
“No school again due to ice storm. WHO pissed off Elsa?” ~ I was seriously DONE with all those snow days!
“…when you try tearing toilet paper too fast, and half the roll unravels at a million
miles per hour…” ~ honestly, I was not in the mood to be rolling tp back onto the f*cking roll
“OHHHHH DADDY now now love me good!” ~ oh LORD! It was an Ed Sheeran video, I swear!
“I’m pretty sure I just morphed into a fire breathing dragon after drinking hot coffee w/my eggs that have jalapeño sauce on them.” ~ my tongue hasn’t been right since.
“Great start to a day of clean eating. Breakfast: 1 egg, 1/2 avocado, baby spinach, 1/2 cup of berries, 1 cup of Tide pods.” ~ I’m such an a$$hole.
“👎👎👎whatever👎👎👎I know what I WON’T be watching👎👎👎can you say silver platter?👎👎” ~ Have I ever mentioned how much I LOATHE Bill Belicheat and his golden boy?
“Super angry!!!😡😡😡😡😡 Some jerk found my debit card inside the gas station literally 30 seconds after I dropped it!!! I literally just got through depositing a huge check 💵 into that account!…. He tried to keep it, even though he was seen picking it up and everything!!!
I kept tapping him on the shoulder to tell him to give it back, but he denied having it 😡😡😡😡😡😡
This is where it gets interesting 🙄…
An even bigger idiot kept tapping on …. See More” ~ Some folks weren’t too thrilled with me!
And that’s it! Mind you, it’s not EVERY sh*t post I’ve put on Facebook, but they’re some of my more memorable cringe moments.