The only bit of any dreams I had are from two hours ago.  Being awake from 4:30 – 7:30 wasn’t exactly helpful.  I know I had other dreams.  I just can’t remember them.  I was too lazy to jot them down.

I miss playing my violin.  Hairless bow aside, I’ve been having some issues with my neck, which I’ve been getting treatment for since late 2015.  I’m beginning to worry that the arthritic degeneration is getting worse.  Especially in my upper back, which is constantly grinding and popping.

At any rate, this morning’s dream involved a classroom setting, where a violin teacher was reviewing certain pieces, focusing on the most difficult passages.  I clearly recall her saying “Whoever pays attention and plays these passages correctly will be entered for a raffle.”

There were two prizes:  A lifetime of free lessons, and a private performance by David Garrett to kick off those lessons.

As I studied and practiced specific pieces, I began to sweat with nerves, knowing that David Garrett was the one I would be playing for.

Side note: I’m not that good on the violin.  And even if he requested me to play for him irl, I would probably make his Strad sound like a $200 student violin – right before I have a collective heart attack.  I love him, but he is sort of intimidating, and he sort of scares me. Just a little bit. Me practically running from him the last time I met him certainly proved that!

Anyways, too bad I didn’t dream any further than my practice session.  I hate my phone.  Someone called me and ripped me from good dreams again.  It happened yesterday, and it wiped out any recollection of the dreams I had.

But that’s okay.  I’ve been sleeping way too late some days.  An extended winter can have that effect.

Speaking of late, it’s time for my first coffee.  I probably won’t be functional until at least 1:00.  Come to think of it, this day is probably shot.  Maybe I’ll sit outside in the sun, even though it’s still freezing outside.  I need something to pull me out of my current funk.

The Ranch

My sleep sucked last night, thanks to heartburn.  It was my fault, of course.  I was an idiot, and decided to eat a small bag of my favorite Doritos.

Once I finally got to sleep, I went into dreams about my two favorite internet personalities.

In my dream, I was at a meetup, where there was a small group of fans.  Dan and Phil were making us do weird things for pictures to put in their new Interactive Introverts book, which I guess was part of their evil plan to include us in whatever they’re doing.

When Phil suggested we all pose with Darth Vader masks, I had to sit out of the picture because my head is too big, and I couldn’t find a mask/helmet big enough.  But then I was the photographer taking the damn picture.  I wanted to be in the book, dammit!

After all the photo ops, we were now on a beach for some reason, and I was still the damn photographer.  But the rest of the fans were off doing their own things, while I was recording Dan doing some weird exercise along the waterline.

His legs were criss-cross applesauce, and he was using his arms to push himself into the water.  Meanwhile, Phil was behind me, encouraging Dan by repeatedly saying “Good boy”, with Dan yelling “SHUT UP! They’ll hear us, and then the cat’s out of the bag that you’re my daddy!”.

I’m so far in the trash bin……

This morning, after my son got off to school, I went into even stranger dreams.

The setting was some animal ranch, hidden away in the middle of nowhere.  The only way to get to it was to drive a few miles on a ‘seasonal’ dirt road, which was only accessible if you had a code to the locked gate.  No problem.  One of my cousins gave me the code.  Turns out he was the owner of the ranch, and a few people were headed there for a party and fireworks.

But by the time I arrived, someone had found the secret location, and blew up the gate.  After hoofing it all the way to the ranch to warn everyone, the terror had already begun.  Animals were dying, and whoever was doing it was now looking for someone.  I can’t remember who, but we all locked down inside the barn, which was attached to the main house.

I remember trying to help the horses stay alive, but the only way was to sit up in their saddles to untangle ropes that were strangling them.  After that, I made my way into the main house, where I was taking care of many cuddly cats and dogs.  Something tells me this is my subconscious at work, because I want a pet so desperately.

After all was done with the animals, it was time for dinner, and my brother’s girlfriend showed up to help, leading us to a weird wing, close to the edge of the property – which was a f*cking cliff.  Next to the kitchen was a storage room of sorts.  Except in the room was a computer desk, and tables loaded with crafting supplies.  I absolutely had to have all the coloring supplies.  But she let me just borrow some.

Skip over dinner, and now I’m in a living room, in front of a fireplace with my adult coloring books and markers, trying desperately to get my cell phone to work with the ranch wi-fi.  Time to call my other brother, the computer wizard.  Except he was having issues with his cell phone.  And then he was busy talking to his wife, asking her questions about their new phones.

What they didn’t realize was I could hear everything they were saying … and doing.

Even worse is how I went into a completely different scene, where I was doing … things, with whom, I can’t recall.  And of course I woke up gagging, because I started gagging in my dream.  I won’t say why.

Lotion & Underwater Caverns

Dreams have been vague lately.  I must be sleeping better.

Last night’s REM cycles involved shopping at a mall, where I found a store that sold lotions and perfumes.  Similar to Bath & Body Works.  There wasn’t enough of the ‘Ocean Breeze’ scented lotion that I wanted, so I wound up buying what few they had left – for a hefty price.  And because the employees felt bad for not ordering enough, they gave me a bunch of makeup and perfume samples.

Kevin had a conniption when I brought it all home, because I tend to leave things laying around the house.  He’s always picking up after me irl.  It’s even worse when my daughter is home during the summer.

But in my dream, I actually took it all upstairs to my room (at my parents’ house of course), where once again it was Christmas, and I had to get ready for decorating the house.

These dreams which involve Christmas at my parents’ house are really wearing thin.  It’s April.  But then again, it’s doing this crap outside right now.

I’m about to head to the tanning booth, for the sole purpose of getting some much needed vitamin D, until either this obnoxiously extensive winter quits, or mother nature gets back on her damn meds.

In the middle of getting lights ready to hang, it came to my attention that some of them weren’t working, and the ones that did work, got accidentally thrown into a lake by someone who doesn’t like Christmas.

And then I was dragging people into the lake with me to go deep sea diving in search of the damn lights.  They weren’t difficult to find.  The hard part was holding my breath for what seemed like an hour as I swam around the floor of this murky lake, gathering up the lights.

For some weird reason, it’s like the lights were trying to convey some message to me, and they kept moving so that I had to swim through their obstacles before I could take them home.  Luckily I’m a decent swimmer.  But if I had to hold my breath that long irl, I’d probably die of an aneurysm.

Another weird thing is that I had to wear special clothes for my little lake excursion.  What deep sea diver wears skinny jeans and combat boots???  It wasn’t fun peeling THOSE off!  Even more weird was how the lights mocked me when I plugged them in to charge as I danced and squirmed my way of out of soaked skinny jeans.

F*cking blinky lights that made Christmas sounds………

And OH MY GOD that’s exactly what the lights were doing in my dream!  Except the bulbs were an outrageous neon red and green color, and it pissed me off, because then I was temporarily blinded.  I suspect the flashing might’ve had something to do with another police car in the street in front of my house again.   People need to stop speeding at 3 a.m.

You Know Who

There’s nothing like police cars on the street in front of your house to disrupt decent sleep. One more hour and it was time to wake briefly anyways.

Once I fell back into slumber, my dreams were a cross between a scene from The Magicians and a variation of an old fantasy – which is about to become not so secret. Sorry. NO names, with the exception of a fictional character from the above mentioned SyFy show, which has become a new favorite.

The beginning is fuzzy. All I can recall is being in my parents’ basement, cleaning and sorting whatever was in my mom’s old shop where she used to do hair a million years ago. There were stacks of vinyl records. As I started to sort them, someone special showed up to help, asking to keep some of them. How could I say no? I’ll never say no to this person.

I remember feeling elated as we sat shoulder to shoulder, whispering and giggling as we sorted the records. The rest of the world ceased to exist. We were living in that moment, and I never wanted it to end.

But then it was time for me to do laundry. My assistant stayed on to observe, which was mildly unnerving. Folding had to be perfect, just in case I was being scored for a prize at the end of the day.

The in between details are also fuzzy, except for the need to change into dinner appropriate attire. After that we were sat at a long table, where others were dressed in medieval costumes, and the table didn’t have an inch to spare. There was so much food! Margo the high king of Fillory was leading a prayer. Just so you know, Margo doesn’t pray.

For some reason, in my dream, I flashed back to something which never ever happens when I [rarely] dream about my record sorting assistant.

And then we were back at the dinner table, where we locked eyes … until my bladder woke me.

PS: I’m sitting here listening to Loreena McKennitt as I write about my dream … and weeping. I guess it’s going to be one of those days. I hope it’s just my hormones.

Rub It Out

I don’t recall dreaming until after I went back to bed this morning once my son went to school.  I’m pretty sure I slept like the dead.

But for nearly 3 hours, I had some weird ass dreams again.  The only thing I can remember is getting the shit massaged out of my ass.  I remember screaming in pain in my sleep.  Why does fat and cellulite hurt so much anyways?

My masseur was yelling at me to suck it up, because the hot device that resembled a rolling pin was the newest alternative to liposuction.  “Six treatments, and your ass will be like a tight 20 year-old models ass!” Shut up, you sadist.  It BURNS!

And then he turned me over to work on my stomach with a different device, which was also hot AF, but it felt like period cramps when he placed some weird mat across my stomach to keep the device in place while he strapped me down to keep me from moving.

WTF is THIS sick shit from the past?!?!

I can’t believe I actually found a gif that properly represents what was happening in my dream.  Turns out they attached things to me that resemble a tens unit (it’s a must have for people who suffer with back and neck issues).  And then I was being tickle tortured.

I’m all for being tickled, but at least ask first, and take me out for a drink beforehand.

And finally, I think this tickle torture happened in my dream because my bladder was full, and I had actually peed myself in my dream, making me jolt awake.

PS: If a goat were to ever somehow lick my feet, I’m chopping them off – after I request an exorcism, because goats are evil.

Completely Clueless

Have you ever had a conversation with someone, and they casually (and vaguely) say something which sounds like it happened in the past, and you just don’t get what the hell they are trying to say?  And then when they deliver the punchline, you STILL don’t get it, because what they tell you versus what is going through your head are two different things, or at least you THINK they’re two different things???

Completely confusing, RIGHT?  I hope so, because either my memory is SO bad, or people are just making shit up just freak me out because they know how bad my memory is!

It’s not funny.  But I’m sure once I figure it out, I’ll be like

…because I clearly need things spelled out for me.  Especially when it’s late and I’m tired.

PS: Turns out it had nothing to do with me. And yes, it needed to be spelled out.  Otherwise I was not going to sleep tonight.

I think I’m going to bed early, after I pop some melatonin to insure I don’t remember any dreams, because my GOD,  I just hurt my brain trying to remember what memorable thing I didn’t do that I absolutely could not remember!

Angel Cuddles

I’m going to cry … then die.  My dreams were so vivid that when I woke up, I was soooo upset that it wasn’t real.

I dreamed I was back in school.  But it wasn’t regular school this time, and I was excited, because we were learning magic tricks.  There were a few familiar faces, and at first I was apprehensive because they were people who weren’t so nice to me in the past.  But in my dream they were very nice, and even helped me with supplies that I forgot to bring.

We needed 4 spoons of different sizes, 2 teaspoons that matched in size, pencil and paper, sewing thread, and small squishy foam balls.  I can’t remember what we were doing with most of these things, but we were each given a small book of tricks to quickly look over, and then we were doing stuff with the spoons.

Except I couldn’t manage any of the tricks because my hands are so freakishly small that I couldn’t even hang onto the spoons.  My class partner magically conjured some cute rainbow colored miniature spoons, and I went to town learning the tricks.  But things still weren’t working right for me.  Maybe I’m not cut out for magic?

At any rate, class was over, and I was sitting outside the school on the steps, sniffling because I failed.  After everyone left, a storm starting blowing in, and my ride still hadn’t shown up to take me home, so I went back inside to wait.

When I got in, the school had transformed into a huge warehouse type of setting, where there were couches and a bar inside of a square conversation pit, giant plasma screen televisions on each wall, and a plethora of other magic tricks.

I recall saying “What the hell am I supposed to do with these?” to nobody in the room.  By then I was completely drained and defeated, until I heard a voice say “I’ll teach you”.

HOLY HELLLLLL!!!!!!  CRISS ANGEL!!!!!! ***faint***

And of course I started crying in my sleep because Criss freaking Angel was there to save my day, and I have loved Criss since his 2003 Supernatural special aired on television.

After I got over my mini stroke because Criss Angel was there, other people started showing back up.  Just a few, because it was kept hush-hush that he was even going to be there.  He was so f*cking sweet.

The power had gone out in the building.  So we lit a fire in the conversation pit, pulled out some huge faux wolf fur blankets …

***wish list item***

….and proceeded to cuddle until we ran out of coffee.

Then he gave me the keys to his company Escalade, which had the famous APWI logo plastered on the back end, and sent me out on a coffee quest.

The coffee quest didn’t go as planned though.  I got lost in search of a place that was open.  Power was out everywhere, and businesses were closing.  So, I wound up going two towns over, in the middle of EBFE (east buttf*ck eternity), and promptly got lost.

It was still pouring, so I had to pull over to find a path along a heavily wooded forest that supposedly led back to where I was supposed to be.  Coffee was a lost cause.  I just wanted to get back to Criss!

I started to make progress along this creepy af path in the forest, until I encountered some odd looking trees.  The trees had tiny blue lights inside of them, and they were following my every move.  In fact, these particular trees didn’t even feel real.  Then everything else around me started to take new, unrealistic shape.

Time to go BACK to the Escalade, where a huge box of steaming hot coffee was magically waiting for me!  Turns out there was a keeper of the forest, and it didn’t like humans, so it went and got coffee for me, and chased me out by creeping me out with its stalkerish blue tree lights.

And then I was back to Criss, who was sleeping.


Dear dream gods:  I’ll take more of THOSE dreams, please!



Concert Rapids & Naked Swimmers

Is it normal for people to actually talk in your dreams?  There was a lot of it going on.  Maybe because Kevin has the radio going, since he’s been up long before me.  Technically I was up long before him, battling heartburn, but when that finally subsided, I fell back asleep at 7:30ish.

My dream started out at a concert with my daughter.  It was on the river, and Tommy Shaw was the main act.  Posters, tour programs, and all sorts of merch was being tossed into the crowd.  I was one of the lucky ones to catch a super thick signed version of the program.

After snapping a bunch of pictures, the concert ended, and we were walking to find the car while my daughter called for an uber so she could go meet her friends somewhere.  By the time I found my car, ambulances were everywhere, and my daughter disappeared.

When I got in my car, I got the phone call.

As I frantically searched downtown Buffalo for which hospital my daughter was in because they didn’t tell me, I’m pretty sure I started crying in my sleep.  The first hospital I tried was weird.  They were calling other hospitals while I waited, to find out where my daughter could be.

When I asked a lady why she was carrying 4 babies, she simply said “Over 100 babies are born here each day”.  I recall being so astonished at how many babies there were, until she said “This is the baby hospital, after all.  Everyone else goes to the other hospitals.” … OH.

When my daughter was located, Kevin had shown up by then and we were getting ready to go back to the river, where there was a hiking event happening.  So, we had to park far away, catch a shuttle bus to the river, and search for the hospital our daughter was at.  Except someone stopped us at the entrance to tell us she was discharged.

And then Kevin and I decided to just stay with the hiking event.  But then the hikers quit, and they were either having picnics, or swimming in the river, which was toxic and dangerous because of the rapids that led to Niagara Falls.

As we were hiking along the edge of the river, I dropped my backpack from the concert, which contained my hoodie, camera, and concert program.  I made Kevin go find someone who might help us get it out of the river.  It was too close to the rapids, and we couldn’t even find a way to even get down there.

While he was gone, I kept seeing a few old men down there swimming.  I remember thinking they got down there somehow, so I walked a little further and found an old shed which had a dark stairwell.  And because I couldn’t see shineola, I shined my phone flashlight down to make sure it was safe, and broke past the ‘do not enter’ barriers.

At the bottom of the shed was a huge pile of random things, which I figured was recovered crap that people accidentally dropped into the river as they were hiking.  But I couldn’t find mine, so I kept going further into the weird depths of this now stinky shed.  It smelled like rotting fish.  As I got further, I saw light, and an exit which led to the actual river bank.

I got so excited, and started walking along the river, where naked old men were swimming some kind of marathon.  And I was a like oh shit, I’m not supposed to be here when I heard “Excuse me!  Are you authorized to be down there?”.  Turns out a security guard followed me to the shed, but he refused to go further than the steps, and he threatened to arrest me if I didn’t climb up the hill to get back to the hiking trail.

By the time I got back up (with my backpack which I eventually found), there were people sunbathing, and I still had no clue where my daughter or husband were.  WTF?

But then my mother showed up, and she distracted me by walking us to a nearby field, where there was a flea market filled with all kinds of stuff like donuts, plushies, and some interesting antiques.  But the only antique dealer there only had maybe two tables of stuff.

The lady had a stackable lamp with detachable crystal animals and silk flowers.  The more you added to the thing, the brighter it got.  But then my eye was caught by some swords, and some ‘bone’ pieces, which all assemble to make a cool gold flag that represented all Hispanic/Latino countries of the world.  I wanted it so badly!

But when I started to dig out money, and I asked how much all of this stuff was, a little old Chinese couple came forward and started putting everything away.  “We’re sorry.  We can’t sell this to you.  They won’t allow it through customs when you go back over the border to go home.”

When and how the hell did we get into Canada???

After yelling at my mom, asking her why she brought me somewhere I couldn’t even spend money at (mainly because some of the flag parts were fucking ivory, which I guess is banned here unless you go through a shit ton of red tape), I left the flea market and went back to search for my husband and daughter.

But my daughter had gone home, and by the time I made it back to the hiking area, my husband was emerging from that shed, minus clothes – because he had gone down into the river to look for me, and the rapids shredded his clothes when he jumped in to see if I had gone swimming!

Previous to all of the above, earlier in the night, I had brief dreams about Jack – my childhood boyfriend.  That’s not his real name, of course, but he had an RV, and he was ‘helping’ me move.  I won’t expand on those details…..

And now it’s sunny outside.  I’m wide awake, but could’ve keep sleeping had it not been for my son all excited because it’s Easter.  He just wanted the Kit-Kats and Steam gaming card.  He could care less about the rest of the candy, because he’s not a normal kid, and doesn’t care much for things like ice cream or too much candy, other than the Kit-Kats of course.

Happy Easter!

The Weather Outside Was Frightful

Yesterday’s nor-easter triggered Christmas dreams.  And I wasn’t too happy, because I literally still have lights up on the front of the house yet.  And other things still need to be put away.

Once again, my dream took place at my parents’ house, and mainly in my room.  I don’t know why I’m always in my room in my dreams.  Maybe because that is the one place I’ve ever truly slept so sound, that not even a tornado could’ve woken me up.

But in this case, my guess is since it was Christmas, and I was in charge of decorations and wrapping, I had to pull everything from the crawlspace in my room.  And it was crammed with everything but Christmas stuff.

During my crawlspace purge/search, I discovered something gross and weird.  There was a mutant rat-rabbit cross breed melted within the wood of the sliding crawlspace door.  When I started to poke it to see if it was still alive, fur spewed everywhere across the rug.

And of course, my friend was there, practicing for a gig.  Like, dude?  Why are you here, and practicing in my room?  It’s Christmas eve, and my room is a disaster.  But he stayed, and I had to go downstairs for cleaning supplies and the vacuum cleaner.

When I got back upstairs, the room was in even worse shape because my kids brought all their friends over to play, and they must’ve had a God damned party or something, because there was snack food on every stinking inch of my rug.

But that’s OK!  My friend got rid of the rat-rabbit for me, and he was now relaxing in my papasan chair, waiting for me to finish so that he could play for me.

I refuse to explain this gif.

Jump to a completely different part of my REM cycle, and I’m chasing someone down a road to get my car back, which was stolen.  After firing a taser, I beat the crap out of the thief, lobbed him into a field with sudden superhuman strength, and took off, leaving the loser to rot in hell after I set the field on fire.

As I sped down the road, Larry the Cable Guy was waving on the side of the road, yelling and cheering at me for kicking the car thief’s ass.  Except it wasn’t Larry himself. It was this adorable little guy, and I had to hook him up to the back of my car to tow him into town, which is weird, because HE is the tow truck.

Then he started talking and made me scream, causing me to wipe out.  How the hell did actual Larry git in my car?  Bad pun…

When he asked me my name, he was all “HEY THAT’S MY WIFE’S NAME!!! Can I kiss ya?”, which he always says for real whenever I respond to some of his social media posts – minus the kiss part, because I might blush a little, and his wife might have a few words for me.

Then I woke up, because all kinds of celebrities started invading my dreams.  It’s weird since I don’t really dream about celebrities a lot.





A Good Night of Sleep

FINALLY!!!  It has been forever since I’ve had solid uninterrupted sleep.

The only time I got up was when my son got up for school, only to tell him that it’s a snow day.

After a brief peek out the window and a bathroom run, I crawled back under my down comforter fluff, and went back to sleep until 9:30.

My dreams weren’t that great to start, but things took a turn, and I definitely feel very rested today.

What little I remember of my dream happened after 7:00, and they weren’t quite as horrific as usual, but some unpleasantries were involved, such as going to the doctor, which I always hate, and I wind up with high blood pressure readings as a result.  The doctor couldn’t decide what procedure I needed, so he admitted me to the hospital for further testing.

The other horrifying thing in my dream was watching David Garrett (OF ALL PEOPLE!!!) go through a barbaric surgery next to me in my hospital room.  He was screaming at me because he didn’t want the surgeons to touch his hands.  But the surgery wasn’t on his hands.  He was just freaking out, because he thought his hands were next.

And then I was being sent home, but couldn’t get home because there were no bloody ubers or cabs available.  So, I had to walk, carrying some amputated hands in a cooler!!!

And then David was stalking me all the way home because I didn’t help him save his hands.  “BUT … BUT … THEY’RE RIGHT HERE IN THE COOLER!!!”  And we proceeded to walk through some gigantic mountainous forest in search of a witch doctor who could reattach his hands, because he had to get back to work, ASAP!

But then when we finally reached the witch doctor, his hands had grown back, and he became paranoid, thinking that I was an evil witch, and started playing his violin to chase me away.

Except I didn’t run away from him, and for some weird reason, I grew two extra arms, and started playing 2 violins, because now it was a fucking competition.  And this was the song we were playing.

The version that shows him playing opposite himself has magically disappeared.

But then I started to laugh (because of my 4 arms) in my dream AND for real as I slept, which pissed me off because my own cackling woke me up from what was starting to be a great dream, because David Garrett was in it, which NEVER HAPPENS!!!


I miss him. 😥

And, I miss playing my violin.  I feel David’s pain, as I also suffer with neck (and back) issues.  Sometimes it seems like it’s never ending.  I think last night’s much needed rest was the result of a really good adjustment yesterday.  My chiropractor is AWESOME.