Necessary Warnings

Never in 35+ years have I ever encountered a defective feminine product – until today.  It was one of those almost moments.  Thank goodness I’m an observant consumer.  My lady bits might’ve suffered some undesirable consequences.  Sorry, guys.  This is a PSA for all the ladies out there who use anything to keep their nether regions clean and dry.

Side note:  Men should also be mindful.  Incontinence isn’t just a female thing.  And what about diapers?  Parents, take note!  Always inspect diapers before putting them on your little ones.  It only takes a few seconds.

Have you ever thought that something could be lurking in a sanitary napkin or a pantyliner?  Have you ever looked?  I’m not talking a quick glance to make sure everything is free of … whatever might be on the surface.  I mean holding it up to the light to be sure nothing is in the middle of the innards, where moisture is trapped.

Today was one of those days where I just had a feeling, and held a freshly opened liner up to the light.  Low and behold, there was something in the middle – as if I were spotting.  Except I don’t spot, because I no longer have a uterus.

I thought maybe I was seeing things, so I turned it around and saw the same thing.  Mind you it was a few small spots in the inside, but they were there, and I wasn’t going to use it.   At first I thought maybe it was a bit of moisture from being stored under the bathroom sink.  But since they’re individually wrapped, there’s no way it could’ve been exposed to any water droplets.

In the trash it went as I proceeded to rip open a different one.

Someone needs to have talk with quality control at Kimberly-Clark.

 

What Are Your Three?

If you only had three wishes, what would they be?

Me, I don’t trust genies.  They’re disgruntled little demons who twist your wishes around so that you don’t get exactly what you wish for.  Therefore, you need to be very specific – which is actually more difficult than you realize.

Remember that episode of The X-Files, where someone wished for world peace, and the evil bitch genie froze everyone on the planet, except for Scully and Mulder?

It’s all about details.  Don’t wish for a cure, or to be free of your illnesses.  You might wind up dead, and 6 feet under.  Don’t wish to win the lottery.  That much money might make you the most hated person among family and friends.  Or, you might wind up with a ton of people who are simply using you for your money.

That said, here are my three wishes:

  1.  I wish for all people to be more patient, understanding, loving, and compassionate.
  2.  I wish I could be a much better person than I currently am.
  3.  I wish for a struggle-free, happy life and future for my children.

Finally, if you wish for terrible things, expect terrible things.  Karma is very real.  I’ve personally seen it at work.

Ancient Miracles – AHAAAA!

A million years ago, when me and my brothers were kids, my mother used to have a little cupboard of miracles.

Okay, they weren’t miracles, but DAMN the things she had in that cupboard worked wonders! One of them was called tincture of benzoin, and she used it as a decongestant. NO, we didn’t swallow it! CHRIST. It’s a topical … miracle. It serves many purposes.

It can be applied to the skin, like a liquid bandage of sorts, whilst protecting against infection. It also can be used in an alternative manner, placing about a half teaspoon in a large kettle of steaming water, at a low boil – just beyond simmering. We used a large empty coffee can. But good luck finding one of those. I suggest purchasing a kettle solely for the use of the tincture.

But where the heck can you find this stuff in the age of advanced medicine and greedy pharmaceuticals? I can’t tell you how many local pharmacies I called asking for this stuff, only to be told “it isn’t on the market any longer”. Liar McFriars!

I looked it up on Amazon. I can order it. But I need it now! So, I’ll either have to fork over an arm for overnight shipping, or suffer until Monday, when a specialty apothecary will be open, and pray to the elders that they carry this little miracle in a bottle.

Believe me when I tell you, this stuff used to break all of my congestion loose within a day or two. There’s nothing worse than not being able to breathe.

Meanwhile, if you’re curious about tincture of benzoin, please ask your doctor first. It’s not for everyone, and certainly not a replacement for any medications prescribed by your doctor. Hopefully your doctor is older, and knows about older, alternative home remedies.

Check it out here, on Wikipedia. It’s very accurate in the description of its uses.

And now I have something on my mother. She always swore up and down that alternative medicine didn’t work. Just wait until my day comes. I’m going to shake a stern finger at her, like she always did to me.

Muahahahahaaaaaa!

No Quickies

I bet you were thinking I was going to write about how only parents know the true meaning of quickies.

WRONG!

I just literally came over from YouTube, after trolling yet another video.  But I don’t know if my comment was truly a troll-ish comment.  I was just trying to be helpful, by offering healthier suggestions.

 

Now by no means am I healthy!  I’m about as unhealthy as a person can get.  I don’t sleep well.  I don’t eat right.  I worry and stress needlessly.  And I sit on my fat ass most of the time.  But I do know what I need to do to get healthy.  It’s just a matter of finding what I’m not allergic to, and start eating healthier.

You see, my body is a gigantic twat waffle, and likes to attack anything good that I try to do.

Like when I go outside to walk, I start having sneezures, and I itch.  It’s like my body says ‘NO, Cara.  You’re not doing this.  Go BACK in the house!”  Okay.  So, I go back in the house, do some flights of stairs, until my knee tells me to go fuck myself, and I wind up falling, cracking my tailbone.

As for eating healthy?  Let’s just say there’s a demon named inflammation living inside of my immune system.  Inflammation is what happens when you introduce foods you’re allergic to into your body.  More allergies.  Enough to make me believe that if I were to eliminate every offender from my diet, I’d only be able to eat maybe 10% of any food that exists on this planet.

F M L

Meanwhile, there are no miracle quickies out there that makes any one individual healthy and fit.  Maintaining weight and muscle takes actual effort and routine.

I truly believe that a majority of unhealthy living has to do with lack of routine, and the ability to keep a routine.

And that, folks, is why I trolled the video above.  Just look for the ‘biting the bullet’ comment, and I dare you to say I’m wrong.