You Make My Heart Erect

I not only need a hearing aid, but I really need to wear my glasses.

When I finished brewing my cup of coffee, my Keurig 2 had a message for me, which I promptly read as TIME TO DESICCATE THE BREWER.  At first I was like which ass clown programmed this particular machine?  And then I was like OHHHHH, time to DESCALE the brewer.  A person with a thin vocabulary might not even understand, and might possibly freak out, thinking the machine has scales.

But, since I hadn’t even taken one sip from my first cup yet, I can understand why my vision and general reasoning are still foggy.

If you’re wondering about the hearing aids, I have 40+ years of experience in pissing people off by making them repeat themselves at least three times.  But now, I’ve learned to politely ask people I’m not familiar with to please speak up because I have terrible hearing loss – along with lip reading to make good and sure I’m hearing correctly.  I still like to piss off family and friends on a regular basis though.

You know the State Farm commercial featuring the old Doris Day classic ‘A Bushel And A Peck’???


Well, guess what?  Refer to the title of this entry, and that’s what I thought I was hearing in this commercial, until just a few days ago, when I heard the original tune on an oldies music channel.

Thank goodness for captions on television.  Now where are my glasses……



Easy Does It

The things I think of in my waking moments…

This morning was one of my list making mornings. Mental lists, that is. That said, have you ever made weird lists? Like things you need or wish existed that might simply life just a teensy bit?

I don’t apologize for that gif.  I just didn’t want to use the same hand raising gif that I used in a past post.  There aren’t enough of them on the world wide web.

But back to my list, from my utopian world, where life is perfect and people are always happy.

Things that might make life slightly easier:

• A laundry fairy – I don’t mind housework. But I absolutely cannot stand doing laundry. My best friend says I’m avoiding putting it away. Maybe I need a ‘put away’ fairy instead?  I’ll clean the dishes or vacuum any day.

• Intelligent automobiles – The kind that shut down if it doesn’t recognize its owner or a family member approaching … even if the camera is smashed, or the wiring is screwed with, or if the owner is being held at gun/knife point. It just won’t start. The kind that won’t start for an intoxicated person. The kind that drives you home on auto-pilot if you’re too tired (have you seen Time Cop?).  And finally, the kind that snaps a picture of anyone who vandalizes your vehicle, and sends it to the police – after squirting oil and shouting every obscenity in the book at them.

I hate long paragraphs!

• A genie who will grant me 3 wishes. But any X-Files or Supernatural fan might know how badly wishes can go, because some genies are just fucking evil.

• An automatic filter in my brain that reacts and speaks in a socially acceptable way when something makes me want to

Yes, I’m a huge X-Files fan.

• Winning the lottery – isn’t that everyone’s dream?  It doesn’t necessarily mean happiness.  But it could work a few wonders.

• Happy pills – WAIT, those actually exist.  Maybe a happy placebo?  I already take enough meds that make me tired.  I don’t want to ingest more synthetic crap than necessary.  Do happy placebos exist?  Oh, DOC…!  Wouldn’t that be a riot, going into the ER for something, and they’re reading my meds list from the computer?

“Zyrtec? – Yep.  Lipitor? – Yep.  Vitamin D, CoQ-10, and iron? – Yep.  PLACEBO HAPPY PILLS?” – LOL

… and I immediately regret searching ‘WTF’ gifs on Tumblr.  I need a brillo pad for my eyes for the things I can’t un-see.

• A self hydrating body.  It is recommended that every individual consume half of their body weight in ounces of water.  More if you’re highly active.  Excuse me.  I pee enough as it is.  How am I supposed to stay hydrated, when I pee every 15 minutes from drinking that freaking much?

• A disease that wipes clowns off the face of the earth – because clowns shouldn’t be allowed to fucking exist.  It may not make life easier, but it sure takes care of a lot of clown phobias.  One less phobia for me!

And finally, a REDO BUTTON.

I fucking love Jenna!

PS: I need a hobby, because adult coloring, photography, crochet, playing my violin, and writing aren’t enough…

… I can’t play my violin, because I can’t afford to get my bow re-haired!

… and I currently have 4 crochet projects ‘in progress’, and about 30 coloring books that are neglected.

… and I need a job.

PPS: My apologies to anyone who uses multiple ‘PS‘ in their content. Those multiples are just necessary sometimes. You know what I mean? I’m sure you do, since you use them. I’ll try not to do it again.

PPPS: I edited out most of them – but I fucking did it again.

I’m sorry!  Please forgive me?


You Are Awesome!

Maybe it’s an age thing, or maybe it’s the world in general – especially in the past 10 or so years – I tend to be extremely cynical and pessimistic. Maybe I’ve just had too much for 47 years.

But today, a tiny bit of light was brought into my home, as my husband got the mail.

Waiting on my doorstep was an amazing gift which I didn’t quite expect.

Given my cynicism, I still took a chance and put my name ‘out there’, on some chance I would get lucky. Maybe that’s putting it incorrectly. What I should be saying is ‘on some chance there are still awesome people out there’. Yeah. That’s much better!

I’m not sure if I should say what the gift is, or from where it came, but let’s just say I literally jumped out of my chair with excitement, a huge smile, and a major case of the warm and fuzzies.

Maybe some day, I’ll get lucky (proper use of the phrase this time), and be able to personally thank the amazing and very thoughtful person who surprised me with such a great gift.

But, for now, I’ll say it here.

THANK YOU!!! You are awesome! You know who you are. 😉

Wacky Temps

I’m not talking about the weird fevers I’ve had in the past couple of weeks.

Rather, I’m referring to a blanket I’m currently crocheting.  It’s called a temperature blanket/afghan.  And since I’ve been experiencing a fever, I’m hoping I didn’t post about this before.  If I did, maybe it didn’t contain this picture…


It can’t POSSIBLY contain it, because I just bloody took the shot a few minutes ago.

Most people reading this entry will wonder what the hell kind of blanket this is.  There’s no fancy pattern, and there certainly isn’t any logical explanation for the obnoxious colors I’m using.

Experienced crocheters might say OOOOH!, right before questioning my colors of choice.

In addition to creating a temperature blanket – where the daily temperature determines the color – I’ve decided to stray from the norm, and use different colors, based on a strict range of temperatures (also decided by me).  The above picture is what I have as of yesterday.

Some people might ask why I’ve strayed from the suggested colors.  My answer is simply this:  If I don’t use what yarn I have, my husband will definitely shred my credit card, and I’ll never be allowed out of the house unsupervised again.

And finally, I think I’m a yarn hoarder.


Dream Journal #15

It happened.  First demonic possession dream of the year.  I haven’t had one in a long time, and I’m not too jazzed, because I’m pretty sure I know what caused it.  

I don’t care to discuss the dream details.  Let’s just say it resembled a scene out of The Exorcist.  And then I spent most of the night awake since 3 in the morning.

I’ve recently been considering hypnosis to help me cope with certain things.  I’m not going to say what I listened to last night, but I would just like to warn people not to mess with any kind on online hypnosis, or anything subliminal – online.  You never know what someone’s intentions might be, and the next thing you know, horrible things are happening.

I won’t be doing that again.  I guess it’s back to square one, and doing things the old fashioned way – writing the same thought over and over, until I have trained my own brain.

Dream Journal #13

My favorite number! … My mother is turning in her grave. She hated that number. It was bad luck for her.

Speaking of 13, I was 13 in my dreams last night. It was weird because I had an older person’s body. I was back in school, under the scrutiny of a very bitter 8th grade teacher. I’m pretty sure I was sweating in my sleep, because when I woke up briefly to turn on my other side, my hair was damp and my heart was pounding. Bad memories haunting my subconscious, I guess.

When I went back to sleep, I immediately aged, and had another child, who looked just like my now 20 year old daughter did when she was a baby. We were back in our old home, and I was getting ready to take her for a walk in her stroller. Unlike my daughter when she was a baby, this baby in my dreams was full of laughter and smiles.

On my walk, I wound up at school again. The baby was with me still, and I was looking for the gymnasium. I think there was a competition. But I never made it because I accidentally slammed into another mother with a baby in her stroller. After a brief altercation, I left, and drove to the department of motor vehicles to renew my driver’s license.


I think this next part has to do with an article I read about Erie County New York possibly requiring a blood pressure test at the DMV. When I read this, I swear to God smoke billowed out of my ears. I know America is unhealthy, but there needs to be limits on where and when our health is monitored.

Before I start ranting about big brother, I need to talk about this trip to the DMV. They screened my vision, which is the part I hate, because I have problems with my eyes, which I don’t want to address because if I need to have anything done to my eyes to save my vision, I’m going to lose my marbles completely. Just stick me in the mental ward, because I’ll have permanent severe ptsd if I need to have any surgery on my eyes. I’ll be like one of those soldiers who saw shit in the Vietnam war.

But then the vision screening turned into a sales pitch and an attempt to collect on all of my horrendous medical debts. I signed my life away – again – and promised to pay for my new glasses in monthly installments. The lady at the vision center / DMV promised to come and take my eyesight away if I missed a payment.

JESUS H CHRIST … Time to wake the f*ck up!

Dream Journal #7

I’m late.  But there’s a reason, which I won’t elaborate on.

Last night’s dreams involved trying to get an ice cream cone.  The lady serving me kept getting it wrong.  When an experienced employee finally took over, she proceeded to shove a spoon into my ice cream to make sure it tasted okay.  EWW

Well, thanks lady.  Now that your germs are in my cone, I don’t want it.  Give me a new cone, with different ice cream.  “Well if you want a new one, you need to go around to the other side of the building”.  UGH!  Alright.  But only because I want my damn ice cream.

Meanwhile, as I’m working my way around this insanely long ass building, I encounter people who are trying to sabotage my brand new truck!  One guy gave me the wrong parts, and another guy tried stealing my clothes and groceries out of the truck.  DUDE!  I just want my fucking ice cream.  Leave my shit alone and let me get to the other side of the building!

Nope.  They gotta go and mess with me, and make my truck so it doesn’t work.  Assholes.

And when I finally make it to the counter where they have the ice cream that I want, it’s midnight, and of course they’re CLOSED.  So, I have to find a hotel, in the middle of nowhere.  People won’t help me with directions, so I get lost, and wind up in Canada, where they arrest me for trying to bring illegal ice cream (which I totally don’t have!!!) across the border.

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ABOUT???  I’m so relieved I woke up from that nightmare.  But after I went to the bathroom, I just had to go back to sleep, just to find myself on the shore of some weird dried out lake, where my family reunion was being held, and people were mad at me for some reason, and they wouldn’t give me any food.  So, I went home, only to find out my house was for sale!

I think I’m not sleeping tonight.  I don’t want a repeat of last night’s dreams.

Dream Journal #6

I must’ve slept good last night.  I don’t really recall much.  I know I had dreams, but I slept hard.  I needed it.  I’m 95% sleep deprived.  I’ve been told by a few friends that sleep deprivation has a lot to do with recall.  Meaning those who are sleep deprived may be susceptible to more vivid dreams and more recall when they do manage a few hours of sleep.

Oh well.  I’m sure I’ll recall something, in which case there will be editing or a PS tomorrow.

Have a nice day, everyone.

Dream Journal #2

PS: I remembered something! The basic gist consists of my parents being in the dream. We’re driving ‘home’ (their house) from somewhere. It’s a long ass trip, so there were frequent stops.

One particular stop is for something to eat. My mom and I go in. But when we walk in, there’s no food. Instead, it’s like some weird, dark indoor garage sale, with many different rooms. My dad is waiting outside in the van.

I somehow lose track of my mom as I’m looking at miniature collectible porcelain animal figurines. I see one of my old dog, Pepper. As I’m looking for a price, I realize there are tons of books and posters everywhere, and that my mom was carrying a bunch of books for me to read.

The ceilings must’ve been 50 feet high, and the walls are lined with shelves and shelves of books. I recall feeling very overwhelmed by it in my sleep. And then I’m looking for food. But by the time I find the counter to order a burger and fries, my dad suddenly appears, and says we must go. No time for food…

… I’m still not sure about this. Depending on the dream(s), there may be some days when I don’t journal. In that case, just assume the worst. That’s to avoid the men in white.

Remember how I said I would need to go back and edit an entry if I remembered another part of my dreams? Screw that. I’ll just add a PS: at the beginning of the next entry – just to confuse the living hell out of everyone.

Today, my bladder woke me. I woke up quite pissed – no pun intended – because I really wanted to sleep in before school tomorrow. Well, at least I can go back to sleep after my son gets on the bus. More dreams! Oh yay.

After rubbing the excruciating pain from my shoulder (I slept in one bloody position), I did my thing, returned to the comfort of my warm fluffy bed – the comforter is fluffy, not my bed – and quickly grabbed the closest thing to me so I could record my dreams.

Since I don’t sleep right, it amazes me that I even dream, let alone remember anything. Quite often, I’ll remember random bits and pieces throughout the day. Oh, this might actually be fun!

My dream consisted of my parents again, at their house. There was some remodeling going on. I was outside assessing how many holes were in the rotting shingles/siding, when I noticed that the neighbor’s house had been bought – not my best friend’s parents’ house, the other neighbor. That house was being demolished to make room for a new, 2 story house. When it was finished, we were invited to have a look.

Quick interjection, before I forget – distant music was playing in my dreams, and the construction workers were randomly dancing whilst up on the scaffolding!

For some reason, the new owners had kept some of the old furniture, and had some really old chairs on display in the front room. Meanwhile, their eldest son – who was mute, or something – was silently sat at the dining room table, with his head bowed.

When I asked him a question, I was suddenly alone in the house with him. I think I asked him where the bathroom was, because that’s when I woke up.

Freaking bathroom dreams again…

Dream Journal #1

The other day, I posted about keeping a daily dream journal. This should go well. I’m already prepared for the men in white suits to show up with a straight jacket.

Considering the fact that it’s New Year’s Day – and my state of mind last night … and how much I had to drink … – I remember very little about my dreams. It probably doesn’t help that I fell asleep in the living room (a nightly occurrence), listening to my favorite ASMRist.

Hi Michael. 😉

I have an entire playlist of ASMR.

I’m getting off track again. Whoops.

Whenever I listen to ASMR, I tend to actually forget my dreams. However, if I go back to bed after my son goes to school (a daily occurrence), I usually remember those dreams.

I purchased a dream encyclopedia, but I’m slightly afraid to look at it yet.

And finally, the one thing I do remember about any dreams I had early this morning involved leaving the comfort of my warm fluffy bed to use the bathroom. I hate bathroom dreams.

I wonder if that is the one dream that really has no psychological meaning behind it. Again, I’m afraid to find out.

The only thing that sucks about keeping a dream journal (besides the psychological factor) is if I happen to remember something later in the day, I have to come back here and edit.

Until then, Happy New Year!