You Tell Me

Sometimes it seems easier for people to tell you how to live. For them to make decisions for you, so that there is no doubt or question. If people constantly question the way you live, or they knock you down for enjoying the things you do, why bother? And that thought is one of many which can contribute to depression, often making it much worse than it should be

And what about the old suggestion of eliminating the toxic from life? What if the toxic is within your own household? How do you deal with that? How do you continue living under those circumstances?  Do you just take an I don’t care attitude, and just go through the motions?  Do you consider starting over for the sake of your own sanity and happiness?

There comes a point in one’s life to weigh the pros and cons, deciding whether or not the suffering is worth it.

This Is An Experiment

It could fail, because I’ve never used a certain feature … because I don’t really know how, and I’m sitting here scratching my head as I look for a tutorial video on how to do it.  I know it’s easy.  And because I’m addicted to gifs, it’s time for one right now.

I’m still sitting here staring, wondering how to use the read more/continue reading feature.  Where the heck is it?  Do I not have enough blood in my caffeine stream?  Maybe I need more patience – something that has been slowly sneaking away from me for a couple of years now.  Parenthood sometimes has that effect.

But back to using the read more feature. Continue reading

Am I Insane?

I’m sure this is a question many insomniacs ask themselves.

On nights where my neck and back aren’t killing me, or my legs aren’t giving me the creepy crawlies, my brain decides NOPE.  You’re not sleeping!  And then I start thinking about random crap.  Some of it is downright ridiculous, and on occasion, mildly paranoid.

Here are a few things that riddle my brain when I’m desperately trying to sleep:

1. Ear worms.  Those are the absolute worst!  It’s the same song, stuck on repeat in my head, and it won’t shut the f*ck off.

There are others that attack my brain.  It’s not just that one. 🤣

2.  Places to hide valuable items – why am I just now considering a storage unit? DUH!
3.  Places to hide if a murderer is on the loose – there is no running 2 miles down the street to the storage unit.

4.  What would I name a pet, if I got one? I can’t seem to make up my mind.

5.  Book and script ideas – these are the second worst, as they occupy HOURS of precious lost zzz’s.
6.  Imaginary scenarios with people I rarely see, or dream of seeing again some day.  Full dialogues included.  These are what lead me to believe I’m insane.

7.  Things I should’ve done differently in certain situations.

8.  Things to invent.

Thanks, Bill.  I know I’m cray cray. 🤪

9.  How to survive in a zombie apocalypse – I’d be among the first to die, because rule number one is cardio, and Cara doesn’t do cardio.  I’m lucky I even do awake.

Well, maybe in this case I might do cardio.  But then I’d probably die from a heart attack.  And not because I’m 1000% out of shape.

10. Ways to lose weight without trying.  I’ve accepted that this is a lifelong battle. Baby steps, I guess. Sleep deprivation, daily ‘consumption’, and constant mild dehydration are probably the main culprits in my case.  I’m fairly sure I can fix it, if I cut back on consumption.

11. Retaliatory things to say to online bullies.
12. Existential shit
13. Lyrics to songs I could be making money on
14. Ways to circumvent online chat filters – because I’m a rebel that way
15. New swear words
16. Creative alternative terms and phrases for bodily parts and sexual acts – I’m an awful person.
17. Offensive acronyms – in other words, a normal word that stands for something else.

I think I’ve gotten my problem across.

I’d love nothing more than to stay plugged in all night, with ASMR going in my ears, but I’ve already lost half of my hearing due to my music addiction.

Insomnia sucks, and I’m screwed six ways to Sunday if I can’t get it under control, because sleep plays a major part of weight loss and weight maintenance.  I used to sleep great, until the doctors said no more of a certain medication.  It was affecting my memory.  So, I had no choice. But doesn’t sleep deprivation affect the memory as well?!?!

Anyways … what was I going to say? Oh well. I think I’m done, since I forgot everything else I was going to write.




The only bit of any dreams I had are from two hours ago. Being awake from 4:30 – 7:30 wasn’t exactly helpful. I know I had other dreams. I just can’t remember them. I was too lazy to jot them down.

I miss playing my violin. Hairless bow aside, I’ve been having some issues with my neck, which I’ve been getting treatment for since late 2015. I’m beginning to worry that the arthritic degeneration is getting worse. Especially in my upper back, which is constantly grinding and popping.

At any rate, this morning’s dream involved a classroom setting, where a violin teacher was reviewing certain pieces, focusing on the most difficult passages. I clearly recall her saying “Whoever pays attention and plays these passages correctly will be entered for a raffle.”

There were two prizes: A lifetime of free lessons, and a private performance by David Garrett to kick off those lessons.

As I studied and practiced specific pieces, I began to sweat with nerves, knowing that David Garrett was the one I would be playing for.

Side note: I’m not that good on the violin. And even if he requested me to play for him irl, I would probably make his Strad sound like a $200 student violin – right before I have a collective heart attack. I love him, but he sort of makes me nervous. Just a little bit. Me practically running from him the last time I met him certainly proved that!

Anyways, too bad I didn’t dream any further than my practice session. I hate my phone. Someone called me and ripped me from good dreams again. It happened yesterday, and it wiped out any recollection of the dreams I had.

But that’s okay. I’ve been sleeping way too late some days. An extended winter can have that effect.

Speaking of late, it’s time for my first coffee. I probably won’t be functional until at least 1:00. Come to think of it, this day is probably shot. Maybe I’ll sit outside in the sun, even though it’s still freezing outside. I need something to pull me out of my current funk.