… in a past life to piss off the sleep Gods?
If only Kevin hadn’t woke me at whatever hour it was, telling me to go to bed. I was doing great, with the latest from ASMR Zeitgeist.
Next on my list is learn how to shrink YouTube videos. They’re huge, and while huge doesn’t normally bother me, it’s beginning to piss me off.
Once I stumbled my way to bed, I got comfy and went to sleep. I don’t remember much of my dreams, except that I was back in school, and I was like oh no, not again. It was a fairly boring day when I got to school, until the announcement went out that it was locker clean-out day.
And of course, I couldn’t remember my combination, so I stood there like an idiot spinning the wheel on the lock, hoping it would land on the right numbers. Oddly, I got lucky, and a bunch of lights started flashing and bells went off. It was like a damn slot machine letting me know I won. Except there was no jackpot when I opened the locker.
There weren’t even books, because someone was so kind to probably either steal them, or return them to the principal’s office for me. Instead, there was a ton of garbage strewn all through the locker. It was as if whoever made my books disappear got busy and stuffed a bunch of crap through the vents, because everything was shredded. Now that I think about it, it was probably all of my books!
And then I became frantic, because the book police were suddenly coming down the hall with trash bins on huge wheels. But the police didn’t look like police. They were dressed like HAZMAT, and I freaked, thinking there was something hazardous in my locker. So, I bolted.
Then I woke up not knowing why I was in full anxiety mode at 4:30 in the freaking morning, shaking and sweaty with a pounding heart. That hasn’t happened in forever. Thanks, sleep Gods.
And of course thirst kicked in, so I had to get up for 20 ounces of ice cold water, all of which I consumed in one go. I need to either cut back on salt, Mr. Daniels, or both. There’s nothing else to explain my constant mild dehydration.
Anyway, I rubbed my eye as I was busy gulping H2O, and an eyelash snuck in. Everyone who knows me can probably visualize my secondary anxiety attack as I sprinted to find my little mirror, which I keep in the living room next to my chair. Well, the anxiety momentarily paused when I turned on the hall light so I could pick the offending lash out of my eye.
Except something gross on the floor caught my eye, and I was praying to other Gods that I didn’t step in whatever it was. It was round, and resembled (in my exhausted state, everything looks wrong to me) alien ectoplasm. After I checked my feet, I stooped to look more closely and discovered potato chip crumbs nearby.
Who the hell was sleep eating? The reason I say this is because when I wiped up the ectoplasm, it turned out to be pepperoni grease. But where is the pepperoni, since there’s a gross grease spot on my floor?!?! Do we still have mice? Kevin managed to trap 2 the other day – which I’m still skeeving over.
…because mice are never just mice…
After a minute or two of scratching my head and looking around like I was clueless, I ventured back to bed. Then GERD decided to wake up, and I said screw this, grabbed my phone, punched my pillow, turned on my left side (because that’s what you do to prevent the bile from coming up), and browsed …. what sites, I absolutely cannot remember …. until I zonked out with white noise stuffed in my ears.
My new fan should be here some time soon.