This Mom Isn’t Old!

When I was little, I always thought my parents were old.  Hell, everyone seems practically archaic through the eyes of youth.  But these days, with the help of Botox and other modern miracles, there are 50+ folks walking around out there, looking not a day over 30!

With fashion and makeup comes youth.

But many youths don’t see it that way.  They think we shouldn’t be acting like 20-somethings.

For example, 8 years ago, when I was sick and recovering from a nasty cholecystectomy (gallbladder surgery), I went shopping for some nice clothes.  I wanted skinny jeans and some low cut skimpy tops to show off my new figure.  What does my daughter hand me in the store?

E X C U S E     M E ? ! ? ! ? !  DO I LOOK LIKE GRANDMA?????

“But MOOOOMMMMM, you’re too old to be wearing spaghetti strap camis and skinny jeans.”  Thanks kid.  I love you too.

I refuse to obey the laws of aging.  I’m totally going to act less than 21 – within reason.  I’m discovering just how pissed off my liver is getting.  AND, God is playing a cruel trick on me with dark circles under my eyes.  I look like a raccoon, and I’m about to start using makeup for once, even though I never leave my house.

I hate dark circles.  They make me look twenty years older than I actually am.  And no amount of sleep helps.  Allergies suck.  So does crying all the time.  Don’t ask about the crying…

That said, it’s 5:00 somewhere.  Time for an early schnerpit (my big bro’s term for a few sips of somethin’ somethin’) as I make a weekend list.  I love lists about as much as I love laundry.

And finally, this will be me when I’m old.




Who are some of the worst ones?

I’m not pointing fingers, but when I looked at the forecast yesterday, there was a slight chance of rain for today.  Now, it’s so dark outside, one would think a tornado will be passing through at any moment.  Mind you I live in an area where tornadoes do occasionally pass through, but today is most likely not that day.  It’s too cold outside.

I’m not going to mention other huge liars.  I just wanted to bitch about the weather.  With Memorial Day approaching, I’m praying for good weather, considering our plans for that day.  I don’t own a pair of galoshes.  So if I follow through with my plan, and everything is muddy, I may need to strap plastic bags around my white sneakers.

Thanks to last night’s insomnia, I’m barely human.  I’m seriously considering making good use of a bath bomb.  This craptastic weather is perfect for drawing a hot bath, with lots of candles everywhere.  Hopefully I don’t fall asleep.

Maybe I’ll bring Alexa into the experience.  It’s better than risking the life of my phone.

What do you like to do on a dark rainy day?


I shouldn’t complain.  I beg for good sleep most nights.  On the nights I’m granted that wish, I usually don’t recall my dreams.  I suppose that’s a good thing, because then I have nothing to dwell on, and I’ve discovered dwelling sets up the next night’s whacked dreams a lot of times.

At least I didn’t dream about being alone in a forest, searching for something, as I feel strange eyes following me everywhere.  Even worse are the dreams about spiders, bees, and snakes.  Second to someone dying, those are the worst, imo.

But back to the forest.  Does anyone else dream about being alone, among redwood sized trees, with unearthly creatures watching you from afar?  Just me?  Kevin seems to think so, because he insists he rarely dreams, unless it’s too hot in the room.  Then he just has ‘weird’ dreams.  But his definition of weird involves dreaming about people he doesn’t know, or being in a different job, doing something he doesn’t know.

But I digress.  If you ever dream about a forest, don’t go into it.  There’s creepy things there, and you might not make it out alive.


What Are Your Three?

If you only had three wishes, what would they be?

Me, I don’t trust genies.  They’re disgruntled little demons who twist your wishes around so that you don’t get exactly what you wish for.  Therefore, you need to be very specific – which is actually more difficult than you realize.

Remember that episode of The X-Files, where someone wished for world peace, and the evil bitch genie froze everyone on the planet, except for Scully and Mulder?

It’s all about details.  Don’t wish for a cure, or to be free of your illnesses.  You might wind up dead, and 6 feet under.  Don’t wish to win the lottery.  That much money might make you the most hated person among family and friends.  Or, you might wind up with a ton of people who are simply using you for your money.

That said, here are my three wishes:

  1.  I wish for all people to be more patient, understanding, loving, and compassionate.
  2.  I wish I could be a much better person than I currently am.
  3.  I wish for a struggle-free, happy life and future for my children.

Finally, if you wish for terrible things, expect terrible things.  Karma is very real.  I’ve personally seen it at work.