Necessary Warnings

Never in 35+ years have I ever encountered a defective feminine product – until today.  It was one of those almost moments.  Thank goodness I’m an observant consumer.  My lady bits might’ve suffered some undesirable consequences.  Sorry, guys.  This is a PSA for all the ladies out there who use anything to keep their nether regions clean and dry.

Side note:  Men should also be mindful.  Incontinence isn’t just a female thing.  And what about diapers?  Parents, take note!  Always inspect diapers before putting them on your little ones.  It only takes a few seconds.

Have you ever thought that something could be lurking in a sanitary napkin or a pantyliner?  Have you ever looked?  I’m not talking a quick glance to make sure everything is free of … whatever might be on the surface.  I mean holding it up to the light to be sure nothing is in the middle of the innards, where moisture is trapped.

Today was one of those days where I just had a feeling, and held a freshly opened liner up to the light.  Low and behold, there was something in the middle – as if I were spotting.  Except I don’t spot, because I no longer have a uterus.

I thought maybe I was seeing things, so I turned it around and saw the same thing.  Mind you it was a few small spots in the inside, but they were there, and I wasn’t going to use it.   At first I thought maybe it was a bit of moisture from being stored under the bathroom sink.  But since they’re individually wrapped, there’s no way it could’ve been exposed to any water droplets.

In the trash it went as I proceeded to rip open a different one.

Someone needs to have talk with quality control at Kimberly-Clark.



Dear Mother Nature:

WHAT the actual f*ck???  Why you always gotta wreak havoc on women’s bladders?  Especially the hyster sisters.  It’s annoying when we have to visit the porcelain God every half hour.  And then when we decide to actually hydrate ourselves?  Forget it!  Leaving the house is a no-go!

Sneezing and coughing?

That gif should be left huge, because our ‘God dammit’ certainly isn’t small when we’re doing the ‘dance’ all the way to the bathroom.  Then we’re in SUCH a hurry that we forget to lift the lid.  And when we furiously rip our pants down, our junk is suddenly subjected to a rude awakening.

If the toilet paper is the wrong way, it’s all over, and others in the house suffer our wrath.

Don’t even try to say bladder mesh, because that shit will f*ck your insides up six ways to Sunday, and then lawsuit commercials bombard our entertainment, making us even more pissed off because we can’t watch ANYTHING without interruptions every 10 GODDAMN MINUTES!

Wear a pad, you say?  Well, I thought the whole purpose of getting our baby factories out was to stop wearing those obnoxious ammonia receptacles!