Un-Comfort Zones

My daughter and I were joking about bodily functions, and how her and her non-boyfriend boyfriend are just now getting comfortable with letting silent burps out in front of each other.  Then I was like excuse me?  You’ve known each other for HOW long, and you’re just now burping???

But then I got all smh and said “If you can’t barp and furt in front of each other after 7 years, there’s an issue”.  She was too busy being embarrassed about burping and farting in front of each other to realize that I had an attack of verbal diarrhea.  And since I can’t find a suitable gif, I’ll just go with something close enough.

And I’m never eating mayonnaise again.  But at least it wasn’t gif of Miley sticking her long tongue out, which was all I could find when I searched tongue tied.

Finally, if you’ve been with your s.o. for a year or more, you should be able to at least burp.  I’m not talking about a full on BRAP.  Just a brief, moderate burp, followed by an excuse me.  If you still feel awkward, things just aren’t going to work, and then after 20+ years of marriage, you’ll still be sprinting to the bathroom, locking the door shut just to fart.

 

 

I Hate Doing This

But it’s a necessary evil ….. once in a while.  Not all the time like I used to do, because then it makes my site trashy.  But it’s necessary, because if I don’t, I might explode.  And since my daughter gets all over my case about ranting on social media, I need to do it here.  Maybe I’ll send Kevin out for some ice cream.  Or maybe I’ll have a little something else after dinner.  I think I deserve a tiny bit today, since I’ve done without for four days.

Have you ever been in a situation where an accidental bird comes along, and craps on your good day with something unexpected?  And then you’re like
but you don’t really say anything because the damn bird doesn’t realize you’ve been wondering about that unexpected thing all along?  I know this doesn’t really make any sense, but roll with it.  I need to be vague for the sake of something very important.

I really want to use a gif of Prince (RIP) for what my next reaction was once I realized what is going on, but I’m doing my best to stay away from anything copyrighted.  So I’ll use this one instead, because if I don’t, I might explode.

And because my eyes hurt from rolling them, I took to clenching my jaws to the point of a headache, and now I have heartburn on top of suspicion and stew.  If you don’t know what stew is …

BUT, it’s all probably for no reason, and I’m just being paranoid … and pms’ing.  But I needed to get it out before I break down and cry, which is way worse than my current mood.  When I cry, I fall into an endless pit until things smooth over, and then I’m all better and giggly again.

Holy shit!  That’s the perfect gif!  I need that shirt!  It’s totally me.

Now I must go before this gets any worse, then I’m cringing in a year or two when I look back on this ridiculous post.  This is depression and anxiety at their worst.

The Return of Anxiety

…all thanks to last night’s nightmare …. about almost driving off the edge of a cliff…

Oh, YAY!  Now I won’t drive for a week or more, because when I have bad driving dreams, it makes me nervous.  And when I drive nervous, I make mistakes, and then I get lost, or go the wrong way down a one way street, or cut someone off.

And that’s exactly what it feels like whenever I’m driving through a major city.

Antonio’s Carrots

Before anyone asks about last night’s dreams, we need to address the problem with auto correct, and how it doesn’t seem to be working on my particular phone.  My phone is brand spanking new, yet it loves to screw with me.  Not only was there another assbike, now there are ssturkeys and fsrts.

Me and my fat stubby thumbs.  Even though I have a good sense of humor, these typos are getting old, and completely outrageous.  Sometimes entire texts need to be backspaced and started over because there are symbols and words that aren’t even words.

And now, about Antonio … Banderas.  He was in my dreams all … night … long.  First he was taking me for romantic walks, because he doesn’t want me to be obese anymore.  And when I asked him why, he told me because he loves me.

I know.  Completely delusional.  I wouldn’t even know how to respond to such a statement from him.  I’d probably just stand there and giggle like a dingbat.

But then he took me shopping for healthy food, at his favorite health food store, which I won’t say here in case it really is his favorite store to shop at.  Let’s just say there was no beef, chicken, or pork.  Only fish, fruits, and vegetables.  And because he said I don’t eat enough veggies, he told me to just stand there with my mouth open as wide as possible so he could start tossing tiny carrots in for me to eat.

But Antonio!!! I CAN’T SWALLOW THAT FAST!!! …………………

And because I couldn’t swallow fast enough, he gave up on teaching me proper eating habits, and took me back out for a walk – after he attached a leash and collar.  I’m thinking no more romance movies before bed – or anything with sugar.

 

 

A Bit On The Way To Fit

For several reasons, my punny mood has emerged.  But that’s not the reason for this entry.  Inspiration and determination have suddenly emerged, and they’re working together to kick my depressed lazy butt into gear.

Maybe not jumping rope, but there will definitely be hand weights and walking – in between Xbox Kinect activities.  A little something each day will help me get to a better place.  Hey, like my doctor says, Xbox exercise is better than no exercise.  You are still on your feet and moving with bowling and tennis!  It’s quite a change from the recliner.  I almost sprouted roots, for God sake.